It's okay to be gay

Maybe I'm alone here, but has anyone else out there tried with all their might to, as a friend put it, "pray the gay away"?

I tried for so long to pray it away. I prayed morning and night. I read my scriptures every day. I fasted. I went to the temple. I listened to nothing but church music. I even tried going a week without fighting with my siblings. And nothing worked. Deep down, as much as I didn't like it, I was attracted to guys. For years I wouldn't- couldn't- identify myself as gay, but I knew I was. So I hid that nasty little secret deep down and never let it out. My insides would wrench in terror of people finding out. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real. It was just a phase, I'd grow out of it. For sure, I could get married and then I wouldn't feel these attractions.

Well that certainly didn't happen.

Only a year ago (at the tender age of 28) did I first say the words out loud when I came out to my wife, and the words felt foreign on my tongue. I'm attracted to guys. Same-sex attracted and all that. It felt very surreal.

Anyway, I struggled for so long, trying to un-gay myself to no avail. And now I've come to realize, it's okay that I'm attracted to other guys. God Loveth His Children states this idea beautifully:

The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them.

Can I tell you what a relief it was to understand that? All those years of hiding this secret part of myself, just to find out that it wasn't really necessary. While I'm not going to go flaunting it about by any means, I didn't need to feel like something was wrong with me either.

Yes, the pornography and lust are problems many of us deal with, and they need to be addressed with a bishop. But the attraction I feel to guys is not something to be ashamed of and hidden. It has become instead something for me to not just endure in this life, but to overcome.

As I have come to grips with the idea that I'm gay, and have gone further and tried to understand myself better, I have been able to reconcile my whole self with the gospel. And there's a lot of peace that comes from that.

After all, that's not what defines me. What defines me is that I am a son of God. What defines me is that as His son, I have potential to be like Him. I am here as part of a plan- a plan designed for me to be stronger and more like Him. This just happens to be one of my trials meant to get me there.

Under the surface

I have a family member who is a physical therapist. He's a stud, really, and I think the world of him. He told us about a book called Spark. In it, it talks about a high school (I believe in the Midwest) where they have completely re-thought their physical education program. The book discusses studies done that shows the best time for learning is after physical exercise, while the blood is pumping so freely through the brain. (That's probably why I can't write legitimate sentences when I'm so tired!)

Kids at this school go to PE during zero hour, and then they have their hardest classes right after. Brilliant! But it doesn't end there. Their focus is to teach kids about their bodies, not just how to incorrectly do push-ups or play dodge ball.

The book talks about a certain girl in the class. She was a little heavier set than the rest, and struggled when it came time for laps. As much as they tried to push and encourage her, she just could not keep up. She huffed and puffed down the track, but always fell behind the rest of the class.

Then one day the researchers who were studying the class hooked up the students to heart monitors. They wanted to teach the students about heart rate and exercise, and how to keep it at a healthy level. They hooked the kids up, yelled go, and were shocked at the results. Who was working the hardest out there? Not the athletic kids who won the race, but that girl who continually fell behind the rest. Her heart was actually working much harder than the other students!

I was humbled when he told us that story, and immediately saw the connection. I'm standing there with our family, and only my wife has a clue I'm gay. Honestly, I don't know how they'd take it if they knew (but that's another story). The point is, they have no idea about this whole side of me that lies under the surface. I have friends who like to joke about gays- I think most of us do; it's something they honestly don't understand, and are probably a little afraid of. And little do they realize, as they're making the jokes in front of me, that I am gay. Granted, I've decided to not stand for it. They'll probably also change their tune about joking if I tell them, but that's beside the point. The point is there are people all around us that have things under the surface- and we have no idea.

It's humbling when you think about it. We pass people around us every day, and have no idea what their story is. We have no idea what they're going through. A friend's husband left her recently. Another friend and his wife are unable to have kids. Another friend was in a nearly fatal accident that left him with brain injuries. Another friend's son was in the hospital with an unknown disease that nearly killed him.

You would never know it from the outside. They put a smile up on their face- no matter how fake it may be- and do the best to carry on with their lives.

You would never know it was me if you passed me on the street.

I love "God Loveth His Children." It brought peace to me at a time I had very little. It says,

"Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love. No member of the Church should ever be intolerant. As you show love and kindness to others, you give them an opportunity to change their attitudes and follow Christ more fully."

Even though Christ was mocked and scorned, he always showed love. I want to do that. I know firsthand what it's like to have something under the surface that people don't know about, so I want to be considerate of that for others. I want to show support and build up, not mock and tear down.

So if you're feeling a little rejected, perhaps alone and unsure of yourself, remember you're not alone. Many have felt that way. But remember, each of us is a beautiful person within- even if you can't see it yourself.

And if you need to talk, drop an email my way. As someone who totally understands, I'll be glad to listen.