Been Cheating on my Wife

My wife and I sat down recently and had a pretty heavy conversation. In that talk, she told me something that hit pretty hard: when I looked at pornography, she felt like I had cheated on her.

Ouch.

I thought about it a lot, and I think she's right- but it makes me sick to look at it that way.
Christ taught that "Whosoever looketh on a woman (man) to lust after her (him) hath committed adultery in his heart." (Matt 5:28). I think we can take that wording and apply it for when we're checking out other guys. There's a line between checking out the scene, and lusting. And unfortunately I've crossed that line too many times.

So this is what's been on my mind this week when I've been tempted. And do I really want to go there? No. All my life I've been taught about the law of Chastity. It was hammered into us in Young Men's. In a weird way, my mind for many years applied it outwardly to my relationships with women. Yeah, I'd feel guilty for checking out guys, but much less guilty than checking out girls. I know, you're thinking- wow, this guy has issues. Yes, yes I do. But that's how my mind worked for quite awhile and I'm still working on overcoming it. I was too scared to think of girls that way- with little or no discussion on sexual thoughts about guys.

But now I've come to realize that venturing off on my own sexual adventures like that aren't what God wants for me. He meant for it to be something for me and my wife, not just me and my hands.

I'd pretty much look at myself as a monster for doing this to my wife, but I believe too much in the Atonement for that. I desperately cling to it. Yeah, I've messed up. A lot. But you know what? The Atonement still covers me, and my wife still loves me. That's the great part, and I'm grateful for the chance to change.

I'm the refurbished model.

Last night I had a "close call." We had been at the beach all afternoon enjoying this gorgeous weather, and came home to change. Several times after- and in different places too- the temptations started rolling in. Out of the blue. And hard. Ugh.

What saved me? We had to go to my parents' for something. It had been planned all day. Whew. By the time we got home, by mind was elsewhere and things were fine.

Fast forward to this afternoon; I got home from some meetings mid-day and was exhausted. My youngest was throwing up all night (once in my bed too- not fun!!) so we didn't sleep the best. I wanted nothing more than a nap. I was on the couch with my blanky, ready to drift off to dreamland, until I remembered all the work I need to do to keep my clients happy. Ugh. So I got up and hopped on the elliptical for 10 minutes. I hit it hard, and got off feeling great.

So now here I am, eating fresh peaches and cranking up some tunes (currently "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap). I'm cranking out some work, getting things done. I'm happy. Optimistic. (Gay) as ever, but that doesn't have to get in the way of true happiness.

Moral of the story: a change of scenery often helps. Sometimes going into the other room is enough, others it isn't. Sometimes it takes a great deal of distraction to get out of it. But it can be done! I could have easily fallen to the temptations- after all, it's not like Satan hits us when we're strong. He waits until we are weakened, and then hits hard- and sometimes we do fall. But the joy of the Atonement is that we can be redeemed.

Yesterday a friend joked that I'm a squeaky clean Mormon boy. I laughed in his face and reminded him just how gay I can be. He agreed, and decided instead I'm more of a gay-yet-refurbished Mormon boy. I'll take that- aren't we all that way? We sin, we mess up, but Christ's love- his Atonement and grace- take bad things away, and we become clean again. Worth the full value.

That's the good stuff that gives me hope, and I feel strong enough to keep pressing on.

Effect of pornography

My heart is breaking right now.

A friend just posted on Facebook that she and her husband are getting a divorce. I only know a part of the story- and that it heavily involved his addiction to pornography. He had also been abused as a child, and that influenced their marriage. Her daughters now ask frequently why daddy doesn't come home. It tears her apart.

And that could have been me, if I had chosen differently a year ago.

It makes me sick, to be honest. Sick because there is so much abuse. Sick because there's so much addiction to pornography. Sick because I was tempted to make a choice like her husband and leave. I'm forever grateful I rejected that temptation.

I'm not perfect. I've struggled with an addiction to pornography since age 14- and most of that, I was alone in my struggle. That's not easy. And at times I've gone long periods of time- a few months, a year, a couple years. But that doesn't leave me not vulnerable. And if I go even a couple years without, I'm still tempted. It's still difficult. Honestly, my greatest fear now- after being so open with my wife and Bishop- is falling again to this awful addiction. Is it just a matter of time until I fall?

So my goal is to nail the coffin shut permanently, as a friend put it, and put this out of my life forever. My wife can't afford my mistakes. My children can't afford my mistakes. And my salvation can't afford it either. I have too much riding on my choices now.

I don't have the answers yet on exactly how we keep me "clean and clear and under control." I'm not going to list off a list of things to do to avoid temptation- I think most of us have those in our head already. But what has made a difference and I do know is that I have felt a change in my life lately as I have gained a better understanding of the Atonement of Christ and His saving grace. I do know that He has power to save and I can turn to Him. I'm learning to go to a whole new level with the Atonement. I can feel myself changing.

I have offered more than one desperate, humble prayer- you know those moments of, Oh crap, I know where these temptations are going to lead me, and I'm just not strong enough to resist right now. Help me, Father! And He answers. He loves us. Our Almighty, Powerful God- ruler of the Universe- knows me, loves me, and is helping me. And I can't help but find great hope, knowing that God wants me to succeed. He wants me to overcome this, for me, my wife, and for our family. And I know that God loves each of us in that special, individual way.

Yes, I still have impure thoughts and desires at times. That won't stop in this lifetime. But, I'm more optimistic and hopeful about the future. I know that with His help, I can overcome.

A choice to make

About a year ago I told my wife about my same gender attraction. That whole experience is a post in of itself, but here's a little backstory as to what was happening at the time.

We had been happily married for 6 years. There were many times during our marriage up to that point that I had successfully rid myself of pornography, and unfortunately many that I was not strong enough. A year ago, I was in a particularly bad place, consumed by lust. And Satan began painting a picture in my head: me, free from everything I was dealing with. Giving in to the "natural man." Being happy that way.

I was a man of two sides, and it was tearing me apart.

I wanted so badly for this all to go away, to not have these attractions and feelings, and to just be done with it. But on the other hand, I began to feel desires to explore that side of me further. The more I fed the "natural man," the more it wanted, and I felt further trapped and depressed.

I finally snapped, and knew I had to choose one side or the other. No sitting on the fence- that wasn't possible anymore. I began to truly understand the phrase in the scriptures, "No man can serve two masters." So, I had to make my choice- the "gay lifestyle" in all its glory, or some sincere repenting and rededication to my wife and family.

Over and over, Satan painted that "happy" picture, with me finally giving in to all the lusts and desires I had felt over the last 15 years. But then I'd put on my reality hat, and see it from the other side- me actually leaving my wife and family, shattering their hearts along the way. Leaving the gospel, which I undoubtedly knew to be true, despite my crazy attractions. What a fantastic idea; I could just see my wife telling our kids, "Sorry guys, Daddy left us all and got himself a new boyfriend."

As much as I may have seemingly wanted that at times, I couldn't do it. Not in a million years.

So I put on my big boy pants and had two incredibly difficult conversations- the hardest in my life so far- the first with my wife, and the second with my Bishop. Conversations bearing my deepest, darkest secrets that I had never told a soul. That wasn't easy.

My Bishop was very kind and understanding. He didn't judge me, but sincerely wanted to help me. My wife struggled with the whole thing for a while, but after prayers, fasting, and peace through the Spirit, we began mending our relationship and moving forward.

Fast forward now to present day. I began this blog two weeks ago, in an effort to put my thoughts and feelings down, and maybe even (if I'm lucky) be of help to others who may be struggling. However, with the increased conversations on this subject, and new details along the way, it has been very hard for my sweet wife. I think in some ways it makes it all more real for her, which is a scary thing.

So our conversations have been incredibly open, as I've been honest with her in a way I never have before with anyone. Nothing held back- I've even surprised myself with what I've said. Hurrah, right? Well, sort of. It also has meant that this has been a very difficult week for her. She has felt a wide range of emotions, from fearing our family is just a "cover," to wondering what chances we have of making this last.

We went to church yesterday, which is no easy thing with young kids, and me playing the organ during sacrament meeting. It is difficult to get anything out of the meeting sometimes! But after church, we talked about one thing she had taken away from the meeting.

"And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!!"   (Doctrine and Covenants 18:16)

There was a quiet moment while she let that sink in, and I understood. How great will be her joy if she brings but one soul into the kingdom of our Father- and that soul was me! I can't tell you what emotion and warmth filled my soul, pricked my eyes with tears, and filled me with peace and love.

No, this is not an easy thing for either of us; but, we are working on coming unto Christ. It is no easy road and there are bumps along the way. We get tired, worn out, and even grumpy about it sometimes- but we have eternal rewards to look forward to, motivating us forward.

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me? (Jeremiah 32:27).

No. No there is not- which gives me strength and hope in my journeys ahead. And great, I'm sure, will be our joy.