Effect of pornography

My heart is breaking right now.

A friend just posted on Facebook that she and her husband are getting a divorce. I only know a part of the story- and that it heavily involved his addiction to pornography. He had also been abused as a child, and that influenced their marriage. Her daughters now ask frequently why daddy doesn't come home. It tears her apart.

And that could have been me, if I had chosen differently a year ago.

It makes me sick, to be honest. Sick because there is so much abuse. Sick because there's so much addiction to pornography. Sick because I was tempted to make a choice like her husband and leave. I'm forever grateful I rejected that temptation.

I'm not perfect. I've struggled with an addiction to pornography since age 14- and most of that, I was alone in my struggle. That's not easy. And at times I've gone long periods of time- a few months, a year, a couple years. But that doesn't leave me not vulnerable. And if I go even a couple years without, I'm still tempted. It's still difficult. Honestly, my greatest fear now- after being so open with my wife and Bishop- is falling again to this awful addiction. Is it just a matter of time until I fall?

So my goal is to nail the coffin shut permanently, as a friend put it, and put this out of my life forever. My wife can't afford my mistakes. My children can't afford my mistakes. And my salvation can't afford it either. I have too much riding on my choices now.

I don't have the answers yet on exactly how we keep me "clean and clear and under control." I'm not going to list off a list of things to do to avoid temptation- I think most of us have those in our head already. But what has made a difference and I do know is that I have felt a change in my life lately as I have gained a better understanding of the Atonement of Christ and His saving grace. I do know that He has power to save and I can turn to Him. I'm learning to go to a whole new level with the Atonement. I can feel myself changing.

I have offered more than one desperate, humble prayer- you know those moments of, Oh crap, I know where these temptations are going to lead me, and I'm just not strong enough to resist right now. Help me, Father! And He answers. He loves us. Our Almighty, Powerful God- ruler of the Universe- knows me, loves me, and is helping me. And I can't help but find great hope, knowing that God wants me to succeed. He wants me to overcome this, for me, my wife, and for our family. And I know that God loves each of us in that special, individual way.

Yes, I still have impure thoughts and desires at times. That won't stop in this lifetime. But, I'm more optimistic and hopeful about the future. I know that with His help, I can overcome.