A choice to make

About a year ago I told my wife about my same gender attraction. That whole experience is a post in of itself, but here's a little backstory as to what was happening at the time.

We had been happily married for 6 years. There were many times during our marriage up to that point that I had successfully rid myself of pornography, and unfortunately many that I was not strong enough. A year ago, I was in a particularly bad place, consumed by lust. And Satan began painting a picture in my head: me, free from everything I was dealing with. Giving in to the "natural man." Being happy that way.

I was a man of two sides, and it was tearing me apart.

I wanted so badly for this all to go away, to not have these attractions and feelings, and to just be done with it. But on the other hand, I began to feel desires to explore that side of me further. The more I fed the "natural man," the more it wanted, and I felt further trapped and depressed.

I finally snapped, and knew I had to choose one side or the other. No sitting on the fence- that wasn't possible anymore. I began to truly understand the phrase in the scriptures, "No man can serve two masters." So, I had to make my choice- the "gay lifestyle" in all its glory, or some sincere repenting and rededication to my wife and family.

Over and over, Satan painted that "happy" picture, with me finally giving in to all the lusts and desires I had felt over the last 15 years. But then I'd put on my reality hat, and see it from the other side- me actually leaving my wife and family, shattering their hearts along the way. Leaving the gospel, which I undoubtedly knew to be true, despite my crazy attractions. What a fantastic idea; I could just see my wife telling our kids, "Sorry guys, Daddy left us all and got himself a new boyfriend."

As much as I may have seemingly wanted that at times, I couldn't do it. Not in a million years.

So I put on my big boy pants and had two incredibly difficult conversations- the hardest in my life so far- the first with my wife, and the second with my Bishop. Conversations bearing my deepest, darkest secrets that I had never told a soul. That wasn't easy.

My Bishop was very kind and understanding. He didn't judge me, but sincerely wanted to help me. My wife struggled with the whole thing for a while, but after prayers, fasting, and peace through the Spirit, we began mending our relationship and moving forward.

Fast forward now to present day. I began this blog two weeks ago, in an effort to put my thoughts and feelings down, and maybe even (if I'm lucky) be of help to others who may be struggling. However, with the increased conversations on this subject, and new details along the way, it has been very hard for my sweet wife. I think in some ways it makes it all more real for her, which is a scary thing.

So our conversations have been incredibly open, as I've been honest with her in a way I never have before with anyone. Nothing held back- I've even surprised myself with what I've said. Hurrah, right? Well, sort of. It also has meant that this has been a very difficult week for her. She has felt a wide range of emotions, from fearing our family is just a "cover," to wondering what chances we have of making this last.

We went to church yesterday, which is no easy thing with young kids, and me playing the organ during sacrament meeting. It is difficult to get anything out of the meeting sometimes! But after church, we talked about one thing she had taken away from the meeting.

"And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!!"   (Doctrine and Covenants 18:16)

There was a quiet moment while she let that sink in, and I understood. How great will be her joy if she brings but one soul into the kingdom of our Father- and that soul was me! I can't tell you what emotion and warmth filled my soul, pricked my eyes with tears, and filled me with peace and love.

No, this is not an easy thing for either of us; but, we are working on coming unto Christ. It is no easy road and there are bumps along the way. We get tired, worn out, and even grumpy about it sometimes- but we have eternal rewards to look forward to, motivating us forward.

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me? (Jeremiah 32:27).

No. No there is not- which gives me strength and hope in my journeys ahead. And great, I'm sure, will be our joy.