Finding Comfort- I'm not alone

I've been thinking for a long time about doing something like this. I think I finally found something that pushed me over the edge.

This week I found out just how "not alone" I am.

I was sitting there in my backyard, soaking up the sun on the patio, supposedly doing homework. Frankly I was procrastinating my essay too. I goofed around on Facebook and Twitter, and then started feeling those all-too-familiar desires to check out some pornography. As I'm learning to do, I decided to re-channel those desires. I wondered if anyone else out there struggled the way I do, fighting not only desires for pornography but also for other guys.

I did a quick search. Within moments, I stumbled on GayMormonPioneer and (Gay)MormonGuy and I nearly fell off my chair with what I found- I was not alone. Others have these same struggles too. I'm not the only one who feels this way, messes up sometimes, and then tries again.

You see, I don't exactly have a perfect record. I've really messed up along my merry little way (I'll post my story later). I had come across a couple blogs a year or so ago, and came away so disappointed in myself. I loved what these guys had to say, I think the world of them and was so glad to hear that others were gay and married and working it out. But these guys hadn't looked at pornography or masturbated or ever did anything wrong. They were seemingly doing everything right, and dealing effectively with his same-sex attraction. I, on the other hand, have spent the second half of my entire life trying to overcome these things. Surely I was one of only a few gay Mormons who are married. Surely no one understood the duality I deal with, who I am. I felt alone because I wasn't cutting it, that I wasn't as good as they were. I was sub-par because of my past sins, even though I've been seeing my Bishop and working things out for well over a year.

I don't know why I thought I was alone. I recently saw statistics that said that only 4% of Americans are gay, which surprised me. Now, of that 4%, I could only imagine how many of those are Mormon, and how many less of those are happily married to someone of the opposite gender.

I've been fascinated reading these two blogs- GayMormonPioneer, GayMormonGuy, and many others they link to- over the last few days. And I feel so much stronger, knowing that there are guys who feel the same things I do. I'm not some freak, and I can't tell you how reassuring that is!

It still isn't easy. Not many people really understand what I'm going through and deal with every day; people can be very hateful in the things they say! Of course, they have no idea I'm gay and I've always been terrified of people finding out, so I have to just put a mask on my face and bear it. But I'm not alone in my struggles, and that gives me a whole lot of hope for the future.

With that said, I begin my journey on this blog- sharing my deep thoughts and others that aren't so deep. Sometimes I just need to feel like I have someone I can talk to, someone that can understand what I'm going through. Do you want to talk? Drop me an email!