I tried for so long to pray it away. I prayed morning and night. I read my scriptures every day. I fasted. I went to the temple. I listened to nothing but church music. I even tried going a week without fighting with my siblings. And nothing worked. Deep down, as much as I didn't like it, I was attracted to guys. For years I wouldn't- couldn't- identify myself as gay, but I knew I was. So I hid that nasty little secret deep down and never let it out. My insides would wrench in terror of people finding out. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real. It was just a phase, I'd grow out of it. For sure, I could get married and then I wouldn't feel these attractions.
Well that certainly didn't happen.
Only a year ago (at the tender age of 28) did I first say the words out loud when I came out to my wife, and the words felt foreign on my tongue. I'm attracted to guys. Same-sex attracted and all that. It felt very surreal.
Anyway, I struggled for so long, trying to un-gay myself to no avail. And now I've come to realize, it's okay that I'm attracted to other guys. God Loveth His Children states this idea beautifully:
The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them.
Can I tell you what a relief it was to understand that? All those years of hiding this secret part of myself, just to find out that it wasn't really necessary. While I'm not going to go flaunting it about by any means, I didn't need to feel like something was wrong with me either.
Yes, the pornography and lust are problems many of us deal with, and they need to be addressed with a bishop. But the attraction I feel to guys is not something to be ashamed of and hidden. It has become instead something for me to not just endure in this life, but to overcome.
As I have come to grips with the idea that I'm gay, and have gone further and tried to understand myself better, I have been able to reconcile my whole self with the gospel. And there's a lot of peace that comes from that.
After all, that's not what defines me. What defines me is that I am a son of God. What defines me is that as His son, I have potential to be like Him. I am here as part of a plan- a plan designed for me to be stronger and more like Him. This just happens to be one of my trials meant to get me there.
I really love the idea that one can embrace being gay, and actually appreciate it without having to broadcast it to the world. Whether or not you accept me and who I am (and what makes me who I am) should have no bearing on how I feel about myself. I can count on one hand (and one foot) how many people know I am gay, does this mean I am ashamed of it, no, it just means that like everything else in life, there are some things so personal that you just don't share it with everyone.
ReplyDeleteIf I wasn't gay, I would probably be one of those "holier than thou...better than all" type of people. I have been humbled, and continue to be so by this part of who I am. I see His hand in this, and am grateful that I wasn't able to "pray the gay away." Now if I could only get those in my life to see it the same way.
Above all, we are sons of God, brother's in spirit, and a part of a eternal family that has a place for everyone at the table - we need to find out where we fit, and be comfortable in that seat.
-JD