Caught up in the moment

Today we experienced something new: door to door salesmen.

Enough said, I learned my lesson. :)

My wife let the Kirby guy in this morning when he asked if he could clean our carpet in the living room. Perfect, we thought- we've been meaning to shampoo that area anyway! What we didn't anticipate was him staying for the next 4 hours as he showed every attachment to the vacuum and how wonderful it was. I was surprised to see so much dirt pulled out of the carpets, especially since we only built our home 10 months ago. I could tell my wife really wanted it, which makes it hard for me to say no.

And then we saw the price of $3,000. For a vacuum. Good grief.

And for some reason, we filled out the credit application. We got our payments set up to withdraw on the 5th of every month. We almost had it.

Then suddenly my wife started doubting it. Then I started doubting it.  And we backed out at the very last second. We were actually at the point that it would have been so much easier then to just do it, but in the end we said no. Needless to say, we didn't have a happy salesman on our hands, and it was just plain awkward for the next 10 minutes while he packed everything up and left. I told my wife after that we have a new rule- no more carpet demonstrations. Ever.

It was on my mind a lot this afternoon as I thought about it- we were so close to buying that $3,000 vacuum. My business is still growing, so there are times I worry about finances- and I put that aside so my wife could have a $3,000 vacuum. We were caught up in the situation, and had a very hard time pulling out of it.

Does that ever happen to you? It does me all the time. I'm going on with life, and suddenly find myself in a situation. And it's hard to get out of it.

After my mission, I went for a solid 6 months without looking at any pornography. 3 years without- definitely a record I was proud of! And then, something set me off one day while I was at school at BYU-Idaho. I got caught up in a situation, clicked when I shouldn't have, and I started back in on the cycle that continued again for several years. So much for my 3 years abstaining.

I have tried so many ways to keep myself away from the filthy stuff. Pictures of Christ or my family all around my computer. Church music. Computer in open areas of the home. Content filters. The list goes on and on, and none of them have worked for me as a hard and fast rule.

I have found a lot of strength from the Church's publication "God Loveth His Children." If you haven't read it, or haven't read it lately, seriously take a minute and check it out. There is a section in there that for me has been very helpful.

"You will be most successful in controlling your life as you constantly nourish your spirit. Avoiding food for prolonged periods, followed by excessively large meals, will not maintain physical health. Likewise, feeding your spirit sporadically, even in large proportions, will not yield the same result as constantly, daily nourishing your spirit."

Makes sense, doesn't it?

So here are a few of the top things that have really helped me, be it with pornography, hopelessness, feeling alone, or anything else that relates to my same gender attraction.

• Really studying the scriptures. It's very different from just reading. Because I work 60+ hours per week, plus my masters degree and family time on top of that, it's difficult to "find time" for that kind of study. But, I notice a difference in my life when I do it, and I notice a difference when I don't.
• Open, honest, and frequent conversations with my Bishop and my wife. I have opened up a whole new level of open honesty lately, and have felt a positive impact and strength from it.
• Guys, prayer really works. Today I was mowing the lawn, and out of the blue I felt a temptation to hop on Grindr- just to "see" who is in the area. The idea scared me- because I wanted to so badly, so suddenly, but also because I didn't want it! I know that's a dangerous place for me to go, and so I said a prayer. I was honest. I told Heavenly Father what I was being tempted to do. I told him I didn't want to, but I wanted to at the same time, and asked for help to be strong enough to make the right choice. I ended my prayer, was suddenly distracted by something, and that was that. This isn't the first time I've had a prayer answered in this way, and I'm grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who hears and listens.

The beautiful part of this- and I'm a testament of it- is that we can mess up repeatedly, and find forgiveness. Not that any of us want to keep messing up, but if we do screw up now and then, all hope isn't lost. That's what our loving Savior wants us to understand- we just have to keep trying and come to Him.