I met with my Bishop again tonight. We meet about once a month, and I've come to love meeting with him.
At one point, Bishop leaned back in his chair and thought for a moment. He then said, "You know, I don't think your same-sex attraction is really that different from everyone else."
Stay with me here, the statement surprised me too. Obviously there are some differences with same-sex attraction, but hear this out.
We went on to discuss that my problem isn't same-sex attraction. Whether I'm checking out guys or girls around me, the point is that I need to be faithful to my wife. Pornography, featuring the he-kind or the she-kind, is a sin. Lust, that unsavory word as Elder Holland calls it, consumes and leads to impure thoughts and unholy actions. Isn't that really what the problem is?
In April 2010, Elder Holland gave a fantastic talk called Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul. He beautifully contrasted love and lust like this:
Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female.
True love we are absolutely giddy about. But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite.
When I first met with my other Bishop a year ago and for the first time ever confessed my same-sex attraction struggles, he told me this exact same thing- it doesn't matter that I'm attracted to guys. So what? Most married guys at church are attracted to women. The key is that it doesn't mean it's okay to be looking and dwelling on it. The danger is lust- wanting and desiring with self indulgence.
I loved the way Elder Holland summed things up:
I have found it's easy to dwell on the fact that I'm "gay." Really, though, that's not my problem. It's more of the fact that I have had lust as my constant companion for far too long, and I'm serving an eviction notice, effective immediately.
Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept!
I'm not leaving a forwarding address either.
Great post. It's good that you are writing. Thanks for what you shared. Your added voice of faith and hope strengthens all of us.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely not alone. I'm also married with children, a faithful member of the LDS church, and live with same gender attraction. There are plenty of us.
Just a thought as you are beginning this blog. I tried sending you an email, but couldn't. Some people are not set up to use Outlook. Maybe you could create an email address that is just for your blog. One that doesn't identify you personally or endanger your anonymity - but an actual email address listed on your blog that we can use to write you. If that already exists somewhere on your blog and I just missed it, please respond to this comment and I'll check back to see how I can write to you.
Keep up the good fight. It is worth it. I think you would be surprised if you knew how many of us deal with the same struggles. Even the bloggers you think never had a problem with pornography or masturbation. That is probably just because they haven't talked about it openly on their blogs. There are those of your (gay) brothers who have faced it and overcome it. And plenty who are still working to overcome those addictions. But few, if any, who never struggled with them at all. May God bless you for your faithful efforts and bless your marriage with more love and joy as you follow the advice you shared so effectively in this post.
Having perhaps traveled a little farther down this road than you (I'm not typical college age), I offer this word of encouragement. The ideal goal we are all striving for, which is so beautifully set forth in Elder Holland's talk, is to rid ourselves of lust entirely. And maybe you are to that point. But if you ever do slip up, never give up. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off, think about what you learned from the experience that will help you be stronger next time, and then move forward. There is only one person who would want you to get discouraged and give up. If you never turn away from God, he will never turn away from you. The scriptures are filled with that promise. Your family is definitely worth the efforts you are making. And God WILL help you. He wants to see you and your family be an eternal family as much as you do.
Hi Anonymous,
DeleteThanks for the tip about my email. Apparently the link on the sidebar wasn't working right, but I got it working now. My email is gaymarriedmormon@gmail.com.
Thanks for your encouragement as well. My wife and I tell ourselves that we make the choices for our marriage and we can't base it off what others say, but every success story we can find gives us more hope.
I've really come to a better understanding lately of how the Atonement works. I always thought of the angels standing there with clipboards, marking off every sin (probably not even having enough time to sharpen the pencil at times!). I've come to understand that it's very different from that- we can find forgiveness and move on. The Atonement is so loving and good that I can't help but have hope and joy in it.
All the best,
GMM