Don't leave me hanging here!

My wife had a cool experience today. She was sitting at the top of the stairs, and our 18 month old was crawling up the stairs. Half way up, our daughter looked up and saw my wife watching her. You could read the thoughts on her face- Really, mom? You're just sitting there watching me and not picking me up?? You think this is easy crawling up these stairs? Come pick me up- don't leave me hanging here!

And then my wife held her arms out for our daughter and told her to come up, you can do it. She quickly crawled up the stairs for a hug.

If you don't see any similarities and applications, you owe me a snickers bar.

Our Heavenly Father is like that. He's sitting at the proverbial top-of-the-stairs watching us, making sure we don't fall down.

But Father, we complain, why do I have to do this? Why on earth am I attracted to guys? I'll do whatever it takes for this to go away! This is so hard. I'm lonely. I hate this part of myself. Take this from me!

But instead, sometimes He just holds His arms out. He calls to us, invites us in. He lets us work for a little bit, but promises great things if we make the journey up the stairs.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I beseech of you in words of soberness that ye would repent, and come with full purpose of heart, and cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you. And while his arm of mercy is extended towards you in the light of the day, harden not your hearts. 

 Yea, today, if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts.  

(Jacob 6:5-6, emphasis added)

Don't give up guys. Hang in there. 

Photo courtesy Flicker Creative Commons

I'm the refurbished model.

Last night I had a "close call." We had been at the beach all afternoon enjoying this gorgeous weather, and came home to change. Several times after- and in different places too- the temptations started rolling in. Out of the blue. And hard. Ugh.

What saved me? We had to go to my parents' for something. It had been planned all day. Whew. By the time we got home, by mind was elsewhere and things were fine.

Fast forward to this afternoon; I got home from some meetings mid-day and was exhausted. My youngest was throwing up all night (once in my bed too- not fun!!) so we didn't sleep the best. I wanted nothing more than a nap. I was on the couch with my blanky, ready to drift off to dreamland, until I remembered all the work I need to do to keep my clients happy. Ugh. So I got up and hopped on the elliptical for 10 minutes. I hit it hard, and got off feeling great.

So now here I am, eating fresh peaches and cranking up some tunes (currently "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap). I'm cranking out some work, getting things done. I'm happy. Optimistic. (Gay) as ever, but that doesn't have to get in the way of true happiness.

Moral of the story: a change of scenery often helps. Sometimes going into the other room is enough, others it isn't. Sometimes it takes a great deal of distraction to get out of it. But it can be done! I could have easily fallen to the temptations- after all, it's not like Satan hits us when we're strong. He waits until we are weakened, and then hits hard- and sometimes we do fall. But the joy of the Atonement is that we can be redeemed.

Yesterday a friend joked that I'm a squeaky clean Mormon boy. I laughed in his face and reminded him just how gay I can be. He agreed, and decided instead I'm more of a gay-yet-refurbished Mormon boy. I'll take that- aren't we all that way? We sin, we mess up, but Christ's love- his Atonement and grace- take bad things away, and we become clean again. Worth the full value.

That's the good stuff that gives me hope, and I feel strong enough to keep pressing on.

Why

I'm guessing that I'm not the only one who has ever asked this question- Why did this happen to me? Why did I turn out.. gay?

I've thought a lot about it. I have a few ideas of things that compounded the issue, but bottom line as Lady Gaga says, I was born this way. For some strange reason, I came into this life with these tendencies. Sure, the pornography and a few other things changed things and compounded it.

Many have suggested the idea that we chose our trials in the pre-earth life. Now, I don't know if I believe that or not. I have not heard any teachings in the Church that confirm or deny that theory. But let's run with that for a minute and pretend I for some reason chose this trial of same-gender attraction in the pre-earth life. Wow, what was I thinking? I must have seen this as a thing to overcome that would bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. And that changes the ballgame- it takes us from a long, awful life struggling with this, to instead a trial to overcome. Something that is difficult, but meant to get me somewhere.

Now, let's say that's not the case- I didn't choose this trial in the pre-earth life. That means that someone else did- Heavenly Father- with the intention of helping me rise higher to be like Him. And that changes the ballgame too; we aren't meant to suffer through this. It is to help us rise and overcome.

I recently read the passage in Ether 12:27, but saw it in a new light.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;  and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Several things jump out here to me. One major thing is that the Lord just wants us to be humble and follow Him. And gloriously, thankfully, His grace is sufficient for all who follow Him. This takes it from a question of why did this have to happen to me, and turns it around. Instead, I now ask what do I need to learn from this, and how do I best learn and overcome this?

The attractions will never go away. I'm guessing too that Satan will tempt me with pornography the rest of my life (he's mean that way). But I can overcome the lust. I can be sufficiently strong through the grace and mercy of our Savior. And that gives me comfort for the road ahead.

$20 bill

In General Conference awhile back, President Uchdorf told a story of a woman who compared herself to a $20 bill. He said,

"One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, 'I Have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill- crumpled, torn, dirty, abused and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like much, and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the full 20 dollars."

What a beautiful reminder! Just because I'm attracted to guys does not diminish my value. I have sinned in many ways and done wrong, but I'm still worth the full $20 because of the Atonement and Grace of Jesus Christ. Satan tries to trick us into believing that we aren't worth it any more- when we slip up, have an impure thought, or any number of things, he lies and tells us that we aren't worth it any more. There's no more hope. No way back. And that's a lie not worth listening to, because we are worth it in our Father in Heaven's eyes.

Weird spot to be in

Photo by stevendepolo

We are spending a few days with some family, and may I just say- this is a little weird! We have made the choice to not tell them yet about my SGA- we just don't feel it's the right time yet. Honestly I don't know if that time will ever come, and that's okay. BUT, several times so far my wife and I have nearly slipped and said something. We're used to very open communication between us in the safety of our home, so it's a little hard at times to put those filters back on.

As we were all talking, 'NSYNC and other boy bands from the 90s came up, and my wife nearly made a joke about which one I had a crush on as a teenager (she had a crush on JC.. for me it just depended on the picture, since they changed their styles a lot) Wow, can you imagine how awkward that would have been if she had let that one slip?


We don't feel it's right to tell extended family right now. While there are some that we feel would be supportive, let's just say that others wouldn't accept it very well. I'm sure they'd love my wife and the grandkids unconditionally, but we're pretty sure I'd be treated as a ticking time bomb.

So in the meantime, it's really hard sometimes to keep my mouth shut. I guess that's normal, but especially hard to do right now. :)

A word from my wife

Surprise- my wife took to writing this post! Enjoy.


From the wife of a gay, married Mormon:

Some of you might be wondering "what's it like to be married to someone who is attracted to guys?"  The short answer: an emotional roller coaster!  The long answer takes a little more time; I can't do the subject justice in one post, but I will give it a shot.

Being married has been the greatest blessing of my life.  My husband I get along so well most of the time.   We even joke a little now that maybe we are so compatible because we have the same taste in men. ;).  But our road has had some difficulties, more so since finding out about my husband's secret struggle last year.

When he told me last May, we felt it best not to tell anyone.  That we could work it out alone, together.  Within a few months, we realized he should be seeing our bishop for extra help and support.  But after he started seeing the bishop, my loneliness intensified.  I felt I was completely alone with no one to talk to.  Sometimes people would say things to me like, "if you think your life is hard, look at poor so and so" and I would verbally agree but in my mind I was screaming "if you only knew...."  It has been difficult.  Finding my place in this non-traditional marriage had been a struggle and I have made some serious fumbles along the way.  This blog has been a great outlet for my husband.  But while it's important for those who struggle with this complex issue to reach out and support each other...Wives need support too.  With this secret life comes incredible loneliness.  And fear.  Fear that one day everything is going to fall apart and you have no control over anything.  Fear that everything you have ever known was a lie, a cover story, or an attempted "cure" for SGA. Fear that no matter what you do, you  will never be enough--because no matter how fit/trim you are, or how perfect your hair and makeup are...you're still not a man.  Because of all this, there is incredible insecurity.  

In spite of all these emotions, I have gained a lot of strength in this last year.   I was given a couple of experiences on the day my husband told me his "secrets" that let me know  The Lord was aware of me.  It was always in little things like getting a prompting to listen to a certain conference talk on my morning run instead of music.  And through another sweet experience prior to our talk I felt the love of God, comforting me before I even knew I needed it.  And that was very strengthening.

As we have tried to grapple with our new reality, we have started seeing our bishop together and going to marriage counseling- both scary but wonderful blessings.  We were counseled to make couple scripture study a top priority,  and we have followed that faithfully even while on vacation.  We have reached a new level of communication and openness that has been amazing.  We have talked about hard things and grown closer together.

The most important thing for me to remember is how incredible my husband is.  He has these attractions and inclinations but still he chose me.  He chose to put off the natural man and stay close to The Lord and the gospel.  And that is amazing to me.  In a strange way, since finding out about everything, my love and admiration for my husband have grown.  He is so strong and faithful even though the road is rocky sometimes.

I don't think the emotional roller coaster is over yet, but we are definitely making progress.

My greatest fear

Well, I apologize for checking out there. I had to write a paper for class, several clients had some tight deadlines, and we left on vacation. So, as much as I wanted to write, I literally haven't had time to write.

My wife and I went to a counselor last week with our Bishop's recommendations, and we had an amazing visit. I can't give a play-by-play of what was said because I don't remember everything, but we discussed some things that deal with my greatest fear.

I'm terrified of a relapse into pornography.

Seriously, I'm terrified of it. They "why" of it is fairly obvious- I want to stay away from the sin. I don't want that lust filling me. I don't want to hurt my wife again. I don't want to jeopardize in any way my eternal family. I want to break out of the cycle. I want to stay clean and pure.

Our counselor talked about addiction triggers. While it's applicable really to anyone struggling with an addiction or bad habit, it really applies here. He said there are 4 kinds of triggers:

1. External
2. Internal
3. Cravings/withdrawal
4. Sexual tension

The external is anything having to do with our 5 senses. Because our brain is made to make connections in order to find understanding, there are different things that can fire off connections that stir the addiction. Like the other day a friend was tagged in a picture on facebook. That fired off who knows what in my brain, and I very nearly got sucked into pornography again.

Internal deals with imbalance within ourselves. AA uses the acronym HALT, and others use BLAST. These letters refer to hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored or stressed. Basically, when our body experiences discomfort in these things and others, it seeks to alleviate that discomfort. I'm hungry, I want to eat. I'm tired, so well, let's just turn on the computer and not be so alone. Temporary relief only, but it alleviates the discomfort.

Cravings/withdrawal/sexual tension seem to kind of roll together in this field. It can become habitual- just like it's a habit as soon as I get out my phone to check Facebook for notifications. We build up habits that are hard to break.

I found out I had really set myself up last week when I was so stressed and working so much. I was overloaded. Stressed. VERY tired from staying up several nights. I didn't want to do my essay. And so I got on Facebook and an image triggered a bunch of stuff in my brain.

So I'm learning. I'm learning to monitor my emotions and stress levels. I'm learning to identify how I'm feeling and where that can lead me. Because my goal is to stay away. My goal is to win this battle.