Been Cheating on my Wife

My wife and I sat down recently and had a pretty heavy conversation. In that talk, she told me something that hit pretty hard: when I looked at pornography, she felt like I had cheated on her.

Ouch.

I thought about it a lot, and I think she's right- but it makes me sick to look at it that way.
Christ taught that "Whosoever looketh on a woman (man) to lust after her (him) hath committed adultery in his heart." (Matt 5:28). I think we can take that wording and apply it for when we're checking out other guys. There's a line between checking out the scene, and lusting. And unfortunately I've crossed that line too many times.

So this is what's been on my mind this week when I've been tempted. And do I really want to go there? No. All my life I've been taught about the law of Chastity. It was hammered into us in Young Men's. In a weird way, my mind for many years applied it outwardly to my relationships with women. Yeah, I'd feel guilty for checking out guys, but much less guilty than checking out girls. I know, you're thinking- wow, this guy has issues. Yes, yes I do. But that's how my mind worked for quite awhile and I'm still working on overcoming it. I was too scared to think of girls that way- with little or no discussion on sexual thoughts about guys.

But now I've come to realize that venturing off on my own sexual adventures like that aren't what God wants for me. He meant for it to be something for me and my wife, not just me and my hands.

I'd pretty much look at myself as a monster for doing this to my wife, but I believe too much in the Atonement for that. I desperately cling to it. Yeah, I've messed up. A lot. But you know what? The Atonement still covers me, and my wife still loves me. That's the great part, and I'm grateful for the chance to change.