Some days I just can't do this

I'm guessing I'm not alone, but some days I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't deal with everything. I feel the weight of the world again, and it's overpowering me at the moment. Not in the sense that I'm done with my marriage and ready to run off with Steve- that idea is repulsive to me. I love my wife, we have a celestial marriage, and I have chosen to stay with her because I love her. But I am seriously burdened down and having a hard time today. President Faust once said at a BYU devotional that we aren't going to have good days every day. I guess he was right. So I'm going to leave work early and go mow the lawn. Get a change of pace.

For right now, I'm just getting through it. Putting one step in front of the other. I leave you with one of my favorite songs- Hang on Little Tomato, by Pink Martini:


The sun has left and forgotten me
It's dark, I cannot see
Why does this rain pour down
I'm gonna drown
In a sea
Of deep confusion

Somebody told me, I don't know who
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you're feelin' all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you'll find

You gotta hold on, hold on through the night
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it's dark
And not a bit of spark
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love

Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you'll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something's coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew instead

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

Weight of the World

So.. As you can probably tell from my bipolar posts yesterday, there's been a lot going on. Yesterday I felt like the weight of the world was on me. Every inch of my body was pumped full of lead and it took a huge amount of effort to move and do anything. Nor did I really care to do anything. I was so consumed with everything going on that I shut down. 

My wife and I opened up the conversation last night and worked things out. It was a huge relief, and today has been much better. But then late this morning, the heaviness started creeping on. 

You know what drives me nuts? I feel like people see a ticking divorce clock, and I'm ready to go run off with Danny and live the gay lifestyle. It drives me nuts, because it's so far from the truth. I love my wife incredibly and will not leave her. So we had an in depth conversation again. And I began feeling like my head was spinning. 

So I took a drive. I decided I needed to go somewhere at work, which was a half hour away. I turned on a comedy station on Pandora and just enjoyed it. I forgot about my worries for a little bit and had a good time.

I feel a lot better now. My head is clearing and I feel like myself again. Even though I feel a little fragile sometimes, and need constant affirmation and support, I can do this with the help of my Savior. And yes, there's that word again: hope. 

The sheepish post: I'm back.

Ok, here comes the sheepish post.. I'm back. Not going anywhere. False alarm :)

I felt like I needed to stop blogging/emailing in order to keep my wife happy. After all, our relationship is the most important thing- we want it eternally, right? Well, after a long and difficult day, we talked things through this evening and uncovered the real issues that we needed to address. And they had nothing to do with my blog, so I'm back.

When we met with our counselor a few weeks ago, he told us that our marriage is a "non-traditional" marriage. Yeah, you could say that again. BUT, because of that, he said that many in our situation are able to reach a higher level. My wife and I have felt that to be true; we have engaged in conversations lately that take us to a new depth. Rather than my typical pattern of fleeing our arguments, we have learned to really sit down and work through things. This was one of those days where that was put to the test!

If there's any advice I have to give today, it's that. If you and your spouse are struggling, you're not alone. There are some deep and serious issues that need to be worked through. Sit down and talk. Be open and honest. Work through things- not in an angry, emotional way. That was me throughout most of the day- upset, grumpy, totally closed off. I felt alienated, alone, and like the world was against me. That no one cared about how I feel. That everyone around me things I'm this monster, waiting to break loose at any given moment.

This evening, I was finally able to talk through things without being all charged up. It took some effort, but we made some progress. We worked through a lot of things, and I think we're finding some good ground to stand on.

So my wife tells me now to go save the world, one blog post at a time. I don't know about the saving the world part, but I'm here anyway. :)

Parting Thoughts

Hey everyone,

I'm going offline for awhile. There have been issues my wife and I are dealing with, and her relationship is more important than anything else to me. After all, that's the eternal one- so it counts more than anything in the world.

I don't know if I'll be back online or not. For at least a while, I won't. Thanks for your support though- it's been a huge blessing to me to come in contact with those who have offered so much kindness and support.

I've made a lot of progress in the last 7 weeks since starting this blog. I've learned a lot in how to handle temptations when they come. I've really come to grips with my same-gender attraction. I much better understand who I am in many ways. And although the SGA is a huge thing in my life right now, that's not my key identifier. I'm a son of God, a husband, and a father. Those are the ones that count.

There are some of you whom I have received emails from and haven't had a chance to get back to you. I'm really sorry that I won't be able to respond. I want you to know that I appreciate your friendship and support. I have gained a lot by emailing you, and appreciate that very much. I pray for you and success in your families. I hope that the eternal rewards we all seek will be yours as well.

All the best,
GMM

Can't even agree to disagree

The weekend is almost here. I can almost feel it. Hallelujah.

It's been a rough week. My wife and I have struggled lately with some issues, and we seem to be completely polar opposites on them. We've had more than our fair share of arguments and frustrating moments this week. As my wife said, we can't even agree to disagree.

Being gay, married, and Mormon is not exactly an easy thing to deal with sometimes. There's a heck of a lot of baggage.

So, for now, we're focusing on being happy together. Tonight is date night- which means after the kids go to bed, we pop some popcorn, whip up some avocado shakes, and watch a chick flick. There's one advantage to me being gay- we both like those movies!

So tonight we'll snuggle up on the couch and put everything behind us for a bit. Our problems will still be there to deal with for a very long time- the trick today is not letting them get in front of those we love. How does the phrase go? Don't let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.. or something like that.

My own Ammonihah

Ammonihah was the place to be. At least, it was if you were wicked. The Lord sent Alma and Amulek to preach the gospel; they did, and found many who believed. So what did the town folk do? Burned all the converts, and threw Alma and Amulek into a prison. The walls came tumbling down,

Alma and Amulek ran free, and then before you know it, the Lamanites came through and destroyed the whole city in one day. Everyone was killed, bodies were left lying in the streets, and it became known as the Desolation of Nehors.

Fast forward several chapters in the Book of Alma. Lamanites are invading Nephite lands, and where do you think they'd want to go? That's easy- let's take out Ammonihah again! But to their shock and surprise, in Alma 49 we find that Captain Moroni had fortified the rebuilt city. The Lamanites slunked away and went after the land of Noah, which had been weak before too. Surprise, surprise- Moroni had fortified all the lands round about. The Lamanites got their butts kicked.

See any applications yet?

I have my own Ammonihahs and Noahs. I've been weak for far too long in many sins. My city has been leveled as it were- several times. But, through Christ's Atonement and grace, "my city" has been rebuilt. And now I'm working on reinforcing it like never before. My wife and I are focusing on the good word of God in our lives. After all,

• Alma 31:5

  5 And now, as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God.

And it has been incredible, as we've focused on the Gospel. I've felt increased strength. I've felt increased connection with my sweet wife. We've been blessed.

And yet my counselor told me yesterday that's not going to be enough. I can study the scriptures for hours and hours every day, and it won't be enough if I expect myself to really overcome my addiction to pornography and stay away from it forever. I need to focus on how I handle and overcome my triggers in order to do that.

So, if I'm stressed, I need to first realize that the temptations will come during that weak moment. And I need to decide how I'm going to handle it in a healthy way. If I'm bored (AKA not feeling fulfilled in my current activity) then I need to have decided how to handle temptations that come during that time. Same thing if I'm tired. Angry. Whatever it may be. And I'm going to write down my action plan so that it's easier to follow through next time.

Point is, I'm excited. No, it's not easy to figure these things out. Yes, the temptations will come- and probably the rest of my life. But I'll be more ready for them. As I prepare myself with the word of God, and focus on overcoming the temptations as they come, I know I can win.

 For the first time in a long time, I really feel like I can kick the pornography thing in a real way. I'm going to make strong what was weak. I'm going to rebuild my own Ammonihah and fortify it against attack. And there's a lot of hope in that.

Feeling frustrated

I'll admit, things have been interesting lately. Everyone that I have told about my SGA has been kind and loving- incredibly accepting. However, over the last couple days, a couple people I deeply trust have in essence told me that I'm only "gay" because of the pornography. And that it would go away with the pornography usage.

I'll admit I was shocked when I found this out. I had this happen before, and it's frustrating. Of course I've done some searching- could it be that it's true? I just did this to myself?

I've come to the conclusion that this is not the case. There are remnants of memories from years before the pornography began where I was attracted to boys. My earliest recollections begin at age 9- a full 5 years before I was introduced to any pornography. Now, I do recognize that the porn use did take it to another realm and threw lust into the mix. Yes, the porn was definitely a bad choice and made things worse, but it didn't cause my attractions to other guys. Simple as that.

So I'm left feeling frustrated. I guess they're just in denial about it, which is understandable. I have a hard time not feeling like my feelings are just being discarded though. It's like I've got a broken arm- with bones sticking out in all its gore- and I'm told to just get a bandaid. That it will go away and we should really just pretend it's not there. That I'm making a big deal of nothing.

Sorry, but it's not that easy.