I just told my parents I'm gay.

Yup, I did it. After hiding it all these years, I finally told my parents I'm gay. And they took it like a champ.

Um, well, there's no easy way to say this, so here goes. I've struggled with same-gender attraction all my life, and it's not going away any time soon. ...

We talked for about an hour- me, my wife, and my parents. Needless to say, they were surprised and didn't see that one coming (kudos to me, I did a good job hiding it!).

My parents were incredibly good about this, very loving and understanding. Honestly, I was pretty sure they would take it that way. I was surprised at my mom's reaction though. At one point, she said through her tears, I wish you had told us sooner so you wouldn't have had to suffer in silence all these years. Thanks Mom, I truly appreciated that. I don't know if I was ready to tell until now, but I think that's what goes through many parents' minds.

They had many questions and some misconceptions, and we had a great (and thought provoking) discussion in that hour. It was quite a bomb to drop on them right before they went on a date.. but today I'm even more grateful for loving parents.

My dad asked a great question- how do I define myself? Yes, being gay is a part of that now, but I gave him the basis of how I feel- I'm a son of God. That's the true core of who I am.

Funny moment: my wife at one point tried to sarcastically say that she is like a paid actress in a great cover up story. Instead, she ended up telling my parents she's paid for her services. Awkward! Not many people have said that to their in-laws. :)

Can I say what a relief it is to be able to talk openly with my parents. After we walked outside of the house, I was able to share some things with my dad for a few minutes more that I just needed to get out. It's a huge blessing; even though it was incredibly difficult to do, I'm glad I did.

It's okay to be gay

Maybe I'm alone here, but has anyone else out there tried with all their might to, as a friend put it, "pray the gay away"?

I tried for so long to pray it away. I prayed morning and night. I read my scriptures every day. I fasted. I went to the temple. I listened to nothing but church music. I even tried going a week without fighting with my siblings. And nothing worked. Deep down, as much as I didn't like it, I was attracted to guys. For years I wouldn't- couldn't- identify myself as gay, but I knew I was. So I hid that nasty little secret deep down and never let it out. My insides would wrench in terror of people finding out. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real. It was just a phase, I'd grow out of it. For sure, I could get married and then I wouldn't feel these attractions.

Well that certainly didn't happen.

Only a year ago (at the tender age of 28) did I first say the words out loud when I came out to my wife, and the words felt foreign on my tongue. I'm attracted to guys. Same-sex attracted and all that. It felt very surreal.

Anyway, I struggled for so long, trying to un-gay myself to no avail. And now I've come to realize, it's okay that I'm attracted to other guys. God Loveth His Children states this idea beautifully:

The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them.

Can I tell you what a relief it was to understand that? All those years of hiding this secret part of myself, just to find out that it wasn't really necessary. While I'm not going to go flaunting it about by any means, I didn't need to feel like something was wrong with me either.

Yes, the pornography and lust are problems many of us deal with, and they need to be addressed with a bishop. But the attraction I feel to guys is not something to be ashamed of and hidden. It has become instead something for me to not just endure in this life, but to overcome.

As I have come to grips with the idea that I'm gay, and have gone further and tried to understand myself better, I have been able to reconcile my whole self with the gospel. And there's a lot of peace that comes from that.

After all, that's not what defines me. What defines me is that I am a son of God. What defines me is that as His son, I have potential to be like Him. I am here as part of a plan- a plan designed for me to be stronger and more like Him. This just happens to be one of my trials meant to get me there.

Gay, same-sex attraction, and same-gender attraction

Let me distinguish something real quick in the words I use. I call myself "gay" simply for the convenience of the term. It is much more of a mouthful to say "I struggle with same-gender attraction."

The word "gay" carries baggage in it. It usually implies a lifestyle, denoted by its acts. But that's not what I'm implying when I call myself gay- it's simply a more convenient term I use. Same-sex attraction is better because it removes the lifestyle connotation.  In truth, I like the term "same-gender attraction" the best, because it takes the sexuality of the it and allows me to be a righteous Priesthood holder who just has a trial in this life.

So basically if I call myself gay, just realize I'm really using the meaning of "same-gender attracted" but it's just a heck of a lot easier to use a 3 letter word.

Effect of pornography

My heart is breaking right now.

A friend just posted on Facebook that she and her husband are getting a divorce. I only know a part of the story- and that it heavily involved his addiction to pornography. He had also been abused as a child, and that influenced their marriage. Her daughters now ask frequently why daddy doesn't come home. It tears her apart.

And that could have been me, if I had chosen differently a year ago.

It makes me sick, to be honest. Sick because there is so much abuse. Sick because there's so much addiction to pornography. Sick because I was tempted to make a choice like her husband and leave. I'm forever grateful I rejected that temptation.

I'm not perfect. I've struggled with an addiction to pornography since age 14- and most of that, I was alone in my struggle. That's not easy. And at times I've gone long periods of time- a few months, a year, a couple years. But that doesn't leave me not vulnerable. And if I go even a couple years without, I'm still tempted. It's still difficult. Honestly, my greatest fear now- after being so open with my wife and Bishop- is falling again to this awful addiction. Is it just a matter of time until I fall?

So my goal is to nail the coffin shut permanently, as a friend put it, and put this out of my life forever. My wife can't afford my mistakes. My children can't afford my mistakes. And my salvation can't afford it either. I have too much riding on my choices now.

I don't have the answers yet on exactly how we keep me "clean and clear and under control." I'm not going to list off a list of things to do to avoid temptation- I think most of us have those in our head already. But what has made a difference and I do know is that I have felt a change in my life lately as I have gained a better understanding of the Atonement of Christ and His saving grace. I do know that He has power to save and I can turn to Him. I'm learning to go to a whole new level with the Atonement. I can feel myself changing.

I have offered more than one desperate, humble prayer- you know those moments of, Oh crap, I know where these temptations are going to lead me, and I'm just not strong enough to resist right now. Help me, Father! And He answers. He loves us. Our Almighty, Powerful God- ruler of the Universe- knows me, loves me, and is helping me. And I can't help but find great hope, knowing that God wants me to succeed. He wants me to overcome this, for me, my wife, and for our family. And I know that God loves each of us in that special, individual way.

Yes, I still have impure thoughts and desires at times. That won't stop in this lifetime. But, I'm more optimistic and hopeful about the future. I know that with His help, I can overcome.

Not the usual Bishop's appointment

Last night was an interesting one; I pushed my wife, against her will, into meeting with our Bishop. She has been alone in this struggle, with no one to talk to. I have my blog, been meeting with Bishop, and been corresponding with a couple friends about this issue. Recently she talked to her cousin and told her what was going on, and she has been a great support to my wife- but she still needed something more. Thankfully she told me afterward that she was glad we went.

There is so much my wife deals with- and it seems at times that I get the focus. After all, I'm the one causing the problem! We're so focused on getting me out of my addictions and dealing with my attraction to guys that we have somewhat forgotten my wife's emotional needs. Not good.

I first spoke to my Bishop after I came out to my wife in May 2012. Two months later, we moved. I told my new Bishop about everything and we have been meeting regularly. But, I still see my old Bishop frequently due to a work situation. Yes, it was a little awkward for awhile! But he has been sensitive about it, and has never brought it up. Not once.

A couple days ago we had a meeting about 30 minutes away, and I was driving. And I actually brought up the subject with my old bishop. I couldn't believe I did. I mentioned to him my concerns about my wife, and he had some great advice. He said that really our wives need to feel important. They need to feel that we are willing to do what it takes to meet their needs. It's the, I'm going to step out of the box because I love you that much mentality. That day, my wife knew I was busy at work. And it still hurt her that I wasn't able to spend time with her. So that night I sacrificed my time (and income from that time.. gotta make that up now), and took her on a date to Red Robin, followed by a long walk on the beach. (haha, that sounds so cliche and gay.. Oh wait, I guess that's true!) But it let her know that she is that important. Several times that night I let go something that I wanted or even needed so that she would come first. I think it made a difference.

Last night our Bishop recommended we see a marriage counselor, and we're excited at the idea. I think it will be helpful to have professional input as we walk this difficult road. And heaven knows my wife needs someone around here to talk to. And that's exactly where this blessing came from.

Under the surface

I have a family member who is a physical therapist. He's a stud, really, and I think the world of him. He told us about a book called Spark. In it, it talks about a high school (I believe in the Midwest) where they have completely re-thought their physical education program. The book discusses studies done that shows the best time for learning is after physical exercise, while the blood is pumping so freely through the brain. (That's probably why I can't write legitimate sentences when I'm so tired!)

Kids at this school go to PE during zero hour, and then they have their hardest classes right after. Brilliant! But it doesn't end there. Their focus is to teach kids about their bodies, not just how to incorrectly do push-ups or play dodge ball.

The book talks about a certain girl in the class. She was a little heavier set than the rest, and struggled when it came time for laps. As much as they tried to push and encourage her, she just could not keep up. She huffed and puffed down the track, but always fell behind the rest of the class.

Then one day the researchers who were studying the class hooked up the students to heart monitors. They wanted to teach the students about heart rate and exercise, and how to keep it at a healthy level. They hooked the kids up, yelled go, and were shocked at the results. Who was working the hardest out there? Not the athletic kids who won the race, but that girl who continually fell behind the rest. Her heart was actually working much harder than the other students!

I was humbled when he told us that story, and immediately saw the connection. I'm standing there with our family, and only my wife has a clue I'm gay. Honestly, I don't know how they'd take it if they knew (but that's another story). The point is, they have no idea about this whole side of me that lies under the surface. I have friends who like to joke about gays- I think most of us do; it's something they honestly don't understand, and are probably a little afraid of. And little do they realize, as they're making the jokes in front of me, that I am gay. Granted, I've decided to not stand for it. They'll probably also change their tune about joking if I tell them, but that's beside the point. The point is there are people all around us that have things under the surface- and we have no idea.

It's humbling when you think about it. We pass people around us every day, and have no idea what their story is. We have no idea what they're going through. A friend's husband left her recently. Another friend and his wife are unable to have kids. Another friend was in a nearly fatal accident that left him with brain injuries. Another friend's son was in the hospital with an unknown disease that nearly killed him.

You would never know it from the outside. They put a smile up on their face- no matter how fake it may be- and do the best to carry on with their lives.

You would never know it was me if you passed me on the street.

I love "God Loveth His Children." It brought peace to me at a time I had very little. It says,

"Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love. No member of the Church should ever be intolerant. As you show love and kindness to others, you give them an opportunity to change their attitudes and follow Christ more fully."

Even though Christ was mocked and scorned, he always showed love. I want to do that. I know firsthand what it's like to have something under the surface that people don't know about, so I want to be considerate of that for others. I want to show support and build up, not mock and tear down.

So if you're feeling a little rejected, perhaps alone and unsure of yourself, remember you're not alone. Many have felt that way. But remember, each of us is a beautiful person within- even if you can't see it yourself.

And if you need to talk, drop an email my way. As someone who totally understands, I'll be glad to listen.

Good day,bad day

This morning I got up a 5 am. Ok, my alarm went off at 5 but I snoozed 15 minutes. I then dragged myself out of bed and did something I haven't done for a very long time- I exercised. Weird, I know.

I've never really gone to gyms and all that kind of thing- I went to a gym for the first time last week to play racquetball. I'm a product of the home workout- pushups, situps and the like. But now, thanks to the Wii Fit, I am a little more guided in my exercises. It's awesome, and I've started seeing results in the past. I wanted to do that again.

So naturally the Wii wouldn't work. And that's the unit we bought to replace the one the kids broke. Oh how frustrating. I kept telling myself it was no big deal, but I could feel my anger and frustration building and mounting. Whatever I did, that stupid, dumb machine wouldn't load my Wii Fit disk.

Under normal circumstances I would have snapped, but I kept telling myself that it's ok, and I tried to not get overly upset. I didn't want to start my day off being upset because my stupid Wii wasbroken. On a whim, I threw the disk in the broken unit, and it worked. And I exercised. And I scored high score on a bunch of exercises, even though I haven't done it in a year. I'm just that awesome.

I know, stupid story. But it meant a lot to me. Our lives go this way a lot- we have bad days, no doubt about it. President Faust said that we won't be happy 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, and that's okay.

Some days people are cruel in what they say. Some days we wake up after staying up late looking at pornography, and it just starts the day off in a foul, disheartened mood. Some days we want so hard to be good, but for some reason are having a hard time doing that.

Don't let it get you down. Don't forget, the Atonement covers bad days as well. His grace fills in all the gaps, and can lift us up.

I take hope in that. I feel more and more that the Atonement is a loving, kind act. And we can have hope in that. It all starts with wanting to be good. That leads us to hoping we can become good, which leads us to faith. And just the idea that can happen gives me hope that my bad days can lead to good ones.

A choice to make

About a year ago I told my wife about my same gender attraction. That whole experience is a post in of itself, but here's a little backstory as to what was happening at the time.

We had been happily married for 6 years. There were many times during our marriage up to that point that I had successfully rid myself of pornography, and unfortunately many that I was not strong enough. A year ago, I was in a particularly bad place, consumed by lust. And Satan began painting a picture in my head: me, free from everything I was dealing with. Giving in to the "natural man." Being happy that way.

I was a man of two sides, and it was tearing me apart.

I wanted so badly for this all to go away, to not have these attractions and feelings, and to just be done with it. But on the other hand, I began to feel desires to explore that side of me further. The more I fed the "natural man," the more it wanted, and I felt further trapped and depressed.

I finally snapped, and knew I had to choose one side or the other. No sitting on the fence- that wasn't possible anymore. I began to truly understand the phrase in the scriptures, "No man can serve two masters." So, I had to make my choice- the "gay lifestyle" in all its glory, or some sincere repenting and rededication to my wife and family.

Over and over, Satan painted that "happy" picture, with me finally giving in to all the lusts and desires I had felt over the last 15 years. But then I'd put on my reality hat, and see it from the other side- me actually leaving my wife and family, shattering their hearts along the way. Leaving the gospel, which I undoubtedly knew to be true, despite my crazy attractions. What a fantastic idea; I could just see my wife telling our kids, "Sorry guys, Daddy left us all and got himself a new boyfriend."

As much as I may have seemingly wanted that at times, I couldn't do it. Not in a million years.

So I put on my big boy pants and had two incredibly difficult conversations- the hardest in my life so far- the first with my wife, and the second with my Bishop. Conversations bearing my deepest, darkest secrets that I had never told a soul. That wasn't easy.

My Bishop was very kind and understanding. He didn't judge me, but sincerely wanted to help me. My wife struggled with the whole thing for a while, but after prayers, fasting, and peace through the Spirit, we began mending our relationship and moving forward.

Fast forward now to present day. I began this blog two weeks ago, in an effort to put my thoughts and feelings down, and maybe even (if I'm lucky) be of help to others who may be struggling. However, with the increased conversations on this subject, and new details along the way, it has been very hard for my sweet wife. I think in some ways it makes it all more real for her, which is a scary thing.

So our conversations have been incredibly open, as I've been honest with her in a way I never have before with anyone. Nothing held back- I've even surprised myself with what I've said. Hurrah, right? Well, sort of. It also has meant that this has been a very difficult week for her. She has felt a wide range of emotions, from fearing our family is just a "cover," to wondering what chances we have of making this last.

We went to church yesterday, which is no easy thing with young kids, and me playing the organ during sacrament meeting. It is difficult to get anything out of the meeting sometimes! But after church, we talked about one thing she had taken away from the meeting.

"And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!!"   (Doctrine and Covenants 18:16)

There was a quiet moment while she let that sink in, and I understood. How great will be her joy if she brings but one soul into the kingdom of our Father- and that soul was me! I can't tell you what emotion and warmth filled my soul, pricked my eyes with tears, and filled me with peace and love.

No, this is not an easy thing for either of us; but, we are working on coming unto Christ. It is no easy road and there are bumps along the way. We get tired, worn out, and even grumpy about it sometimes- but we have eternal rewards to look forward to, motivating us forward.

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me? (Jeremiah 32:27).

No. No there is not- which gives me strength and hope in my journeys ahead. And great, I'm sure, will be our joy.

Holy crap, my wife just outed me.

Good grief.
I had just decided this week that I don't want to come out yet to any friends or family.

Never mind, my wife just outed me.

She had my blog up on her phone earlier, reading a post we had been talking about. Then tonight my sister came over to borrow something. She and my wife started talking about a movie they wanted to watch, and started discussing their childhood crushes on the main characters. Unsure of which one my sister was talking about, my wife innocently enough opens up Safari on her phone to look it up- and lo and behold, there's my blog, Gay Married Mormon screaming across the page. My wife and I exchanged a quick, nervous glance- did she see that? They quickly found the page they wanted, and then for some reason hit back so it flashed again on the screen.

At that point I had to go in the other room to refrain from laughing in front of them.

My sister left pretty quick after that.. We talked it over real quick, and I called my sister's cell phone and asked her to come back. I was glad we did, because she had indeed seen the screen. I really wanted to be sure she found out through me, not some other means. We sat her down and told her what's up, and she took it like a champ. Very open and understanding, she told me that I'm no different now than before she knew.

I can't tell you how much her reaction meant to me; this is the type of reaction I hope for from anyone who I tell. I know that not everyone will react the same way, but I appreciated it nonetheless. I know that I sure make much more of an effort to not judge others- you never know what someone else is dealing with.

So now my circle of "knowers" has increased to 5, thanks to my wife. I certainly didn't see that one coming tonight.

Caught up in the moment

Today we experienced something new: door to door salesmen.

Enough said, I learned my lesson. :)

My wife let the Kirby guy in this morning when he asked if he could clean our carpet in the living room. Perfect, we thought- we've been meaning to shampoo that area anyway! What we didn't anticipate was him staying for the next 4 hours as he showed every attachment to the vacuum and how wonderful it was. I was surprised to see so much dirt pulled out of the carpets, especially since we only built our home 10 months ago. I could tell my wife really wanted it, which makes it hard for me to say no.

And then we saw the price of $3,000. For a vacuum. Good grief.

And for some reason, we filled out the credit application. We got our payments set up to withdraw on the 5th of every month. We almost had it.

Then suddenly my wife started doubting it. Then I started doubting it.  And we backed out at the very last second. We were actually at the point that it would have been so much easier then to just do it, but in the end we said no. Needless to say, we didn't have a happy salesman on our hands, and it was just plain awkward for the next 10 minutes while he packed everything up and left. I told my wife after that we have a new rule- no more carpet demonstrations. Ever.

It was on my mind a lot this afternoon as I thought about it- we were so close to buying that $3,000 vacuum. My business is still growing, so there are times I worry about finances- and I put that aside so my wife could have a $3,000 vacuum. We were caught up in the situation, and had a very hard time pulling out of it.

Does that ever happen to you? It does me all the time. I'm going on with life, and suddenly find myself in a situation. And it's hard to get out of it.

After my mission, I went for a solid 6 months without looking at any pornography. 3 years without- definitely a record I was proud of! And then, something set me off one day while I was at school at BYU-Idaho. I got caught up in a situation, clicked when I shouldn't have, and I started back in on the cycle that continued again for several years. So much for my 3 years abstaining.

I have tried so many ways to keep myself away from the filthy stuff. Pictures of Christ or my family all around my computer. Church music. Computer in open areas of the home. Content filters. The list goes on and on, and none of them have worked for me as a hard and fast rule.

I have found a lot of strength from the Church's publication "God Loveth His Children." If you haven't read it, or haven't read it lately, seriously take a minute and check it out. There is a section in there that for me has been very helpful.

"You will be most successful in controlling your life as you constantly nourish your spirit. Avoiding food for prolonged periods, followed by excessively large meals, will not maintain physical health. Likewise, feeding your spirit sporadically, even in large proportions, will not yield the same result as constantly, daily nourishing your spirit."

Makes sense, doesn't it?

So here are a few of the top things that have really helped me, be it with pornography, hopelessness, feeling alone, or anything else that relates to my same gender attraction.

• Really studying the scriptures. It's very different from just reading. Because I work 60+ hours per week, plus my masters degree and family time on top of that, it's difficult to "find time" for that kind of study. But, I notice a difference in my life when I do it, and I notice a difference when I don't.
• Open, honest, and frequent conversations with my Bishop and my wife. I have opened up a whole new level of open honesty lately, and have felt a positive impact and strength from it.
• Guys, prayer really works. Today I was mowing the lawn, and out of the blue I felt a temptation to hop on Grindr- just to "see" who is in the area. The idea scared me- because I wanted to so badly, so suddenly, but also because I didn't want it! I know that's a dangerous place for me to go, and so I said a prayer. I was honest. I told Heavenly Father what I was being tempted to do. I told him I didn't want to, but I wanted to at the same time, and asked for help to be strong enough to make the right choice. I ended my prayer, was suddenly distracted by something, and that was that. This isn't the first time I've had a prayer answered in this way, and I'm grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who hears and listens.

The beautiful part of this- and I'm a testament of it- is that we can mess up repeatedly, and find forgiveness. Not that any of us want to keep messing up, but if we do screw up now and then, all hope isn't lost. That's what our loving Savior wants us to understand- we just have to keep trying and come to Him.

I just gave my wife some fashion advice

For the record, most of the things people associate with being gay just drive me nuts. I don't flip my hand when I talk, I don't have a lisp, and I don't wear makeup. Seriously, come on.

But, I did just give my wife some fashion advice. I think it surprised her too. I guess I have to admit, there are some stereotypes that fit the bill here. I thought it would be fun to share my real-life examples.

Recently I decided I'm tired of putting so much effort to "not come across gay." I've been afraid for so long of people finding out, but I have been so much happier since I decided to just be who I am. The list is rather extensive, but these are a few examples of what it's like being a gay, married Mormon:

• We have moved a lot since we've been married, and thankfully were blessed to purchase our home last year. Whenever we move, I usually end up doing the interior decorating. It's always gratifying when people come over, see our new home, and say to my wife, "Oh, I love it! You did a great job decorating!" Then comes the awkward moment when she tells them I did all the decorating..
• I recently tried my hand at sewing, and did a pretty decent job. I am so tired of dress shirts that don't fit! I'm sorry, but just because I bought the "athletic cut" does not mean it fits me right- they all bunch up in the back and it looks like I'm trying to blow up a balloon back there. So, I borrowed my sister's sewing machine and stayed up past midnight a few weeks ago and sewed all my shirts. Not perfect, but there's actually some form to the shirt now. I'm in heaven.
• Clothes has always been a tough subject for me. I won't deny, I love new clothes. My wife will readily agree- I shop for clothes a lot more than she does. (Not shoes though- she wins there) Since I came home from my mission, I've been increasingly picky on what I will and won't wear- it's high time they fit me right! In high school, the shirts my mom bought for my birthday and Christmas were usually a medium. I now wear nothing but small, or even extra small. Gut check, yes, part of me probably is trying to make my muscles look better by doing that. But, at the same time, It's not flattering to wear a shirt that bellows over my torso. My wife refuses to purchase clothes for me, which is fine because that means I get to go shopping for myself.
• Yes, I like chic flicks, and always secretly have. The Vow is an amazing movie. I also love While You Were Sleeping, and Return to Me. I also loved the Proposal. (Confession: talk about one of the hardest feats of life when there's that shower scene with Ryan Reynolds- I wanted to look, but I certainly didn't want to! My wife's jaw dropped because she was horrified at the scene; my jaw dropped too, but not because I was horrified...)
• I actually have to drag my wife in for a massage. The first time we went, she really didn't enjoy the experience (she's much more content with a nice scratch on the back). I'm comfortable at the place we go now, so I've gone by myself twice now. It's amazing how tense my muscles can get, so a spa day is on the books.
• And yes, I go tanning, usually 2-3 times per week. It just depends how much time we spent at the beach that week. My wife has yet to go (or approve)...

The NorthStar blog has a pretty hilarious list, "He might be a MOHO if.." I made the mistake of reading that while at work. I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe at one point, which was awkward because I couldn't tell anyone around me what I was reading! Maybe one of these days I'll post that list with my own running commentary..

Lust

I met with my Bishop again tonight. We meet about once a month, and I've come to love meeting with him.

At one point, Bishop leaned back in his chair and thought for a moment. He then said, "You know, I don't think your same-sex attraction is really that different from everyone else."

Stay with me here, the statement surprised me too. Obviously there are some differences with same-sex attraction, but hear this out.

We went on to discuss that my problem isn't same-sex attraction. Whether I'm checking out guys or girls around me, the point is that I need to be faithful to my wife. Pornography, featuring the he-kind or the she-kind, is a sin. Lust, that unsavory word as Elder Holland calls it, consumes and leads to impure thoughts and unholy actions. Isn't that really what the problem is?

In April 2010, Elder Holland gave a fantastic talk called Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul. He beautifully contrasted love and lust like this:

Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female.

True love we are absolutely giddy about. But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite. 

When I first met with my other Bishop a year ago and for the first time ever confessed my same-sex attraction struggles, he told me this exact same thing- it doesn't matter that I'm attracted to guys. So what? Most married guys at church are attracted to women. The key is that it doesn't mean it's okay to be looking and dwelling on it. The danger is lust- wanting and desiring with self indulgence.

I loved the way Elder Holland summed things up:

Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept! 

I have found it's easy to dwell on the fact that I'm "gay." Really, though, that's not my problem. It's more of the fact that I have had lust as my constant companion for far too long, and I'm serving an eviction notice, effective immediately.

I'm not  leaving a forwarding address either.

Finding Comfort- I'm not alone

I've been thinking for a long time about doing something like this. I think I finally found something that pushed me over the edge.

This week I found out just how "not alone" I am.

I was sitting there in my backyard, soaking up the sun on the patio, supposedly doing homework. Frankly I was procrastinating my essay too. I goofed around on Facebook and Twitter, and then started feeling those all-too-familiar desires to check out some pornography. As I'm learning to do, I decided to re-channel those desires. I wondered if anyone else out there struggled the way I do, fighting not only desires for pornography but also for other guys.

I did a quick search. Within moments, I stumbled on GayMormonPioneer and (Gay)MormonGuy and I nearly fell off my chair with what I found- I was not alone. Others have these same struggles too. I'm not the only one who feels this way, messes up sometimes, and then tries again.

You see, I don't exactly have a perfect record. I've really messed up along my merry little way (I'll post my story later). I had come across a couple blogs a year or so ago, and came away so disappointed in myself. I loved what these guys had to say, I think the world of them and was so glad to hear that others were gay and married and working it out. But these guys hadn't looked at pornography or masturbated or ever did anything wrong. They were seemingly doing everything right, and dealing effectively with his same-sex attraction. I, on the other hand, have spent the second half of my entire life trying to overcome these things. Surely I was one of only a few gay Mormons who are married. Surely no one understood the duality I deal with, who I am. I felt alone because I wasn't cutting it, that I wasn't as good as they were. I was sub-par because of my past sins, even though I've been seeing my Bishop and working things out for well over a year.

I don't know why I thought I was alone. I recently saw statistics that said that only 4% of Americans are gay, which surprised me. Now, of that 4%, I could only imagine how many of those are Mormon, and how many less of those are happily married to someone of the opposite gender.

I've been fascinated reading these two blogs- GayMormonPioneer, GayMormonGuy, and many others they link to- over the last few days. And I feel so much stronger, knowing that there are guys who feel the same things I do. I'm not some freak, and I can't tell you how reassuring that is!

It still isn't easy. Not many people really understand what I'm going through and deal with every day; people can be very hateful in the things they say! Of course, they have no idea I'm gay and I've always been terrified of people finding out, so I have to just put a mask on my face and bear it. But I'm not alone in my struggles, and that gives me a whole lot of hope for the future.

With that said, I begin my journey on this blog- sharing my deep thoughts and others that aren't so deep. Sometimes I just need to feel like I have someone I can talk to, someone that can understand what I'm going through. Do you want to talk? Drop me an email!

About Me

Yeah, you read the title right.. I'm gay, I'm married, and I'm a Mormon.

If that sounds a little complex, you're right- it is. Maybe that's partly why I've started this blog. I want to use this to share my thoughts, feelings and experiences as I've dealt with this. In coming posts I'll share my story in a way I've never really shared- like what really is going on in my head and my heart.

So yes, I'm gay. I first identified my attraction to guys when I was 14. Only 3 people in this world know- my wife, my Bishop, and my old Bishop. Something tells me that just might change. And yes, I'm married. Seven years ago I married the most remarkable woman I've ever met, and we now have several wonderful kids. We're happy. And yes, I'm a Mormon. I love the gospel and the peace and joy that it brings me, despite my opposing qualifier that I'm also gay.

I feel like it's time now to start sharing my story. Or at least I have so much in my head that I need to let it out somewhere. Either way, buckle up- this is going to be an interesting ride!