Some days I just can't do this

I'm guessing I'm not alone, but some days I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't deal with everything. I feel the weight of the world again, and it's overpowering me at the moment. Not in the sense that I'm done with my marriage and ready to run off with Steve- that idea is repulsive to me. I love my wife, we have a celestial marriage, and I have chosen to stay with her because I love her. But I am seriously burdened down and having a hard time today. President Faust once said at a BYU devotional that we aren't going to have good days every day. I guess he was right. So I'm going to leave work early and go mow the lawn. Get a change of pace.

For right now, I'm just getting through it. Putting one step in front of the other. I leave you with one of my favorite songs- Hang on Little Tomato, by Pink Martini:


The sun has left and forgotten me
It's dark, I cannot see
Why does this rain pour down
I'm gonna drown
In a sea
Of deep confusion

Somebody told me, I don't know who
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you're feelin' all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you'll find

You gotta hold on, hold on through the night
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it's dark
And not a bit of spark
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love

Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you'll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something's coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew instead

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

Weight of the World

So.. As you can probably tell from my bipolar posts yesterday, there's been a lot going on. Yesterday I felt like the weight of the world was on me. Every inch of my body was pumped full of lead and it took a huge amount of effort to move and do anything. Nor did I really care to do anything. I was so consumed with everything going on that I shut down. 

My wife and I opened up the conversation last night and worked things out. It was a huge relief, and today has been much better. But then late this morning, the heaviness started creeping on. 

You know what drives me nuts? I feel like people see a ticking divorce clock, and I'm ready to go run off with Danny and live the gay lifestyle. It drives me nuts, because it's so far from the truth. I love my wife incredibly and will not leave her. So we had an in depth conversation again. And I began feeling like my head was spinning. 

So I took a drive. I decided I needed to go somewhere at work, which was a half hour away. I turned on a comedy station on Pandora and just enjoyed it. I forgot about my worries for a little bit and had a good time.

I feel a lot better now. My head is clearing and I feel like myself again. Even though I feel a little fragile sometimes, and need constant affirmation and support, I can do this with the help of my Savior. And yes, there's that word again: hope. 

The sheepish post: I'm back.

Ok, here comes the sheepish post.. I'm back. Not going anywhere. False alarm :)

I felt like I needed to stop blogging/emailing in order to keep my wife happy. After all, our relationship is the most important thing- we want it eternally, right? Well, after a long and difficult day, we talked things through this evening and uncovered the real issues that we needed to address. And they had nothing to do with my blog, so I'm back.

When we met with our counselor a few weeks ago, he told us that our marriage is a "non-traditional" marriage. Yeah, you could say that again. BUT, because of that, he said that many in our situation are able to reach a higher level. My wife and I have felt that to be true; we have engaged in conversations lately that take us to a new depth. Rather than my typical pattern of fleeing our arguments, we have learned to really sit down and work through things. This was one of those days where that was put to the test!

If there's any advice I have to give today, it's that. If you and your spouse are struggling, you're not alone. There are some deep and serious issues that need to be worked through. Sit down and talk. Be open and honest. Work through things- not in an angry, emotional way. That was me throughout most of the day- upset, grumpy, totally closed off. I felt alienated, alone, and like the world was against me. That no one cared about how I feel. That everyone around me things I'm this monster, waiting to break loose at any given moment.

This evening, I was finally able to talk through things without being all charged up. It took some effort, but we made some progress. We worked through a lot of things, and I think we're finding some good ground to stand on.

So my wife tells me now to go save the world, one blog post at a time. I don't know about the saving the world part, but I'm here anyway. :)

Parting Thoughts

Hey everyone,

I'm going offline for awhile. There have been issues my wife and I are dealing with, and her relationship is more important than anything else to me. After all, that's the eternal one- so it counts more than anything in the world.

I don't know if I'll be back online or not. For at least a while, I won't. Thanks for your support though- it's been a huge blessing to me to come in contact with those who have offered so much kindness and support.

I've made a lot of progress in the last 7 weeks since starting this blog. I've learned a lot in how to handle temptations when they come. I've really come to grips with my same-gender attraction. I much better understand who I am in many ways. And although the SGA is a huge thing in my life right now, that's not my key identifier. I'm a son of God, a husband, and a father. Those are the ones that count.

There are some of you whom I have received emails from and haven't had a chance to get back to you. I'm really sorry that I won't be able to respond. I want you to know that I appreciate your friendship and support. I have gained a lot by emailing you, and appreciate that very much. I pray for you and success in your families. I hope that the eternal rewards we all seek will be yours as well.

All the best,
GMM

Can't even agree to disagree

The weekend is almost here. I can almost feel it. Hallelujah.

It's been a rough week. My wife and I have struggled lately with some issues, and we seem to be completely polar opposites on them. We've had more than our fair share of arguments and frustrating moments this week. As my wife said, we can't even agree to disagree.

Being gay, married, and Mormon is not exactly an easy thing to deal with sometimes. There's a heck of a lot of baggage.

So, for now, we're focusing on being happy together. Tonight is date night- which means after the kids go to bed, we pop some popcorn, whip up some avocado shakes, and watch a chick flick. There's one advantage to me being gay- we both like those movies!

So tonight we'll snuggle up on the couch and put everything behind us for a bit. Our problems will still be there to deal with for a very long time- the trick today is not letting them get in front of those we love. How does the phrase go? Don't let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.. or something like that.

My own Ammonihah

Ammonihah was the place to be. At least, it was if you were wicked. The Lord sent Alma and Amulek to preach the gospel; they did, and found many who believed. So what did the town folk do? Burned all the converts, and threw Alma and Amulek into a prison. The walls came tumbling down,

Alma and Amulek ran free, and then before you know it, the Lamanites came through and destroyed the whole city in one day. Everyone was killed, bodies were left lying in the streets, and it became known as the Desolation of Nehors.

Fast forward several chapters in the Book of Alma. Lamanites are invading Nephite lands, and where do you think they'd want to go? That's easy- let's take out Ammonihah again! But to their shock and surprise, in Alma 49 we find that Captain Moroni had fortified the rebuilt city. The Lamanites slunked away and went after the land of Noah, which had been weak before too. Surprise, surprise- Moroni had fortified all the lands round about. The Lamanites got their butts kicked.

See any applications yet?

I have my own Ammonihahs and Noahs. I've been weak for far too long in many sins. My city has been leveled as it were- several times. But, through Christ's Atonement and grace, "my city" has been rebuilt. And now I'm working on reinforcing it like never before. My wife and I are focusing on the good word of God in our lives. After all,

• Alma 31:5

  5 And now, as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God.

And it has been incredible, as we've focused on the Gospel. I've felt increased strength. I've felt increased connection with my sweet wife. We've been blessed.

And yet my counselor told me yesterday that's not going to be enough. I can study the scriptures for hours and hours every day, and it won't be enough if I expect myself to really overcome my addiction to pornography and stay away from it forever. I need to focus on how I handle and overcome my triggers in order to do that.

So, if I'm stressed, I need to first realize that the temptations will come during that weak moment. And I need to decide how I'm going to handle it in a healthy way. If I'm bored (AKA not feeling fulfilled in my current activity) then I need to have decided how to handle temptations that come during that time. Same thing if I'm tired. Angry. Whatever it may be. And I'm going to write down my action plan so that it's easier to follow through next time.

Point is, I'm excited. No, it's not easy to figure these things out. Yes, the temptations will come- and probably the rest of my life. But I'll be more ready for them. As I prepare myself with the word of God, and focus on overcoming the temptations as they come, I know I can win.

 For the first time in a long time, I really feel like I can kick the pornography thing in a real way. I'm going to make strong what was weak. I'm going to rebuild my own Ammonihah and fortify it against attack. And there's a lot of hope in that.

Feeling frustrated

I'll admit, things have been interesting lately. Everyone that I have told about my SGA has been kind and loving- incredibly accepting. However, over the last couple days, a couple people I deeply trust have in essence told me that I'm only "gay" because of the pornography. And that it would go away with the pornography usage.

I'll admit I was shocked when I found this out. I had this happen before, and it's frustrating. Of course I've done some searching- could it be that it's true? I just did this to myself?

I've come to the conclusion that this is not the case. There are remnants of memories from years before the pornography began where I was attracted to boys. My earliest recollections begin at age 9- a full 5 years before I was introduced to any pornography. Now, I do recognize that the porn use did take it to another realm and threw lust into the mix. Yes, the porn was definitely a bad choice and made things worse, but it didn't cause my attractions to other guys. Simple as that.

So I'm left feeling frustrated. I guess they're just in denial about it, which is understandable. I have a hard time not feeling like my feelings are just being discarded though. It's like I've got a broken arm- with bones sticking out in all its gore- and I'm told to just get a bandaid. That it will go away and we should really just pretend it's not there. That I'm making a big deal of nothing.

Sorry, but it's not that easy.

Don't leave me hanging here!

My wife had a cool experience today. She was sitting at the top of the stairs, and our 18 month old was crawling up the stairs. Half way up, our daughter looked up and saw my wife watching her. You could read the thoughts on her face- Really, mom? You're just sitting there watching me and not picking me up?? You think this is easy crawling up these stairs? Come pick me up- don't leave me hanging here!

And then my wife held her arms out for our daughter and told her to come up, you can do it. She quickly crawled up the stairs for a hug.

If you don't see any similarities and applications, you owe me a snickers bar.

Our Heavenly Father is like that. He's sitting at the proverbial top-of-the-stairs watching us, making sure we don't fall down.

But Father, we complain, why do I have to do this? Why on earth am I attracted to guys? I'll do whatever it takes for this to go away! This is so hard. I'm lonely. I hate this part of myself. Take this from me!

But instead, sometimes He just holds His arms out. He calls to us, invites us in. He lets us work for a little bit, but promises great things if we make the journey up the stairs.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I beseech of you in words of soberness that ye would repent, and come with full purpose of heart, and cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you. And while his arm of mercy is extended towards you in the light of the day, harden not your hearts. 

 Yea, today, if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts.  

(Jacob 6:5-6, emphasis added)

Don't give up guys. Hang in there. 

Photo courtesy Flicker Creative Commons

I'm the refurbished model.

Last night I had a "close call." We had been at the beach all afternoon enjoying this gorgeous weather, and came home to change. Several times after- and in different places too- the temptations started rolling in. Out of the blue. And hard. Ugh.

What saved me? We had to go to my parents' for something. It had been planned all day. Whew. By the time we got home, by mind was elsewhere and things were fine.

Fast forward to this afternoon; I got home from some meetings mid-day and was exhausted. My youngest was throwing up all night (once in my bed too- not fun!!) so we didn't sleep the best. I wanted nothing more than a nap. I was on the couch with my blanky, ready to drift off to dreamland, until I remembered all the work I need to do to keep my clients happy. Ugh. So I got up and hopped on the elliptical for 10 minutes. I hit it hard, and got off feeling great.

So now here I am, eating fresh peaches and cranking up some tunes (currently "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap). I'm cranking out some work, getting things done. I'm happy. Optimistic. (Gay) as ever, but that doesn't have to get in the way of true happiness.

Moral of the story: a change of scenery often helps. Sometimes going into the other room is enough, others it isn't. Sometimes it takes a great deal of distraction to get out of it. But it can be done! I could have easily fallen to the temptations- after all, it's not like Satan hits us when we're strong. He waits until we are weakened, and then hits hard- and sometimes we do fall. But the joy of the Atonement is that we can be redeemed.

Yesterday a friend joked that I'm a squeaky clean Mormon boy. I laughed in his face and reminded him just how gay I can be. He agreed, and decided instead I'm more of a gay-yet-refurbished Mormon boy. I'll take that- aren't we all that way? We sin, we mess up, but Christ's love- his Atonement and grace- take bad things away, and we become clean again. Worth the full value.

That's the good stuff that gives me hope, and I feel strong enough to keep pressing on.

Why

I'm guessing that I'm not the only one who has ever asked this question- Why did this happen to me? Why did I turn out.. gay?

I've thought a lot about it. I have a few ideas of things that compounded the issue, but bottom line as Lady Gaga says, I was born this way. For some strange reason, I came into this life with these tendencies. Sure, the pornography and a few other things changed things and compounded it.

Many have suggested the idea that we chose our trials in the pre-earth life. Now, I don't know if I believe that or not. I have not heard any teachings in the Church that confirm or deny that theory. But let's run with that for a minute and pretend I for some reason chose this trial of same-gender attraction in the pre-earth life. Wow, what was I thinking? I must have seen this as a thing to overcome that would bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. And that changes the ballgame- it takes us from a long, awful life struggling with this, to instead a trial to overcome. Something that is difficult, but meant to get me somewhere.

Now, let's say that's not the case- I didn't choose this trial in the pre-earth life. That means that someone else did- Heavenly Father- with the intention of helping me rise higher to be like Him. And that changes the ballgame too; we aren't meant to suffer through this. It is to help us rise and overcome.

I recently read the passage in Ether 12:27, but saw it in a new light.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;  and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Several things jump out here to me. One major thing is that the Lord just wants us to be humble and follow Him. And gloriously, thankfully, His grace is sufficient for all who follow Him. This takes it from a question of why did this have to happen to me, and turns it around. Instead, I now ask what do I need to learn from this, and how do I best learn and overcome this?

The attractions will never go away. I'm guessing too that Satan will tempt me with pornography the rest of my life (he's mean that way). But I can overcome the lust. I can be sufficiently strong through the grace and mercy of our Savior. And that gives me comfort for the road ahead.

$20 bill

In General Conference awhile back, President Uchdorf told a story of a woman who compared herself to a $20 bill. He said,

"One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, 'I Have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill- crumpled, torn, dirty, abused and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like much, and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the full 20 dollars."

What a beautiful reminder! Just because I'm attracted to guys does not diminish my value. I have sinned in many ways and done wrong, but I'm still worth the full $20 because of the Atonement and Grace of Jesus Christ. Satan tries to trick us into believing that we aren't worth it any more- when we slip up, have an impure thought, or any number of things, he lies and tells us that we aren't worth it any more. There's no more hope. No way back. And that's a lie not worth listening to, because we are worth it in our Father in Heaven's eyes.

Weird spot to be in

Photo by stevendepolo

We are spending a few days with some family, and may I just say- this is a little weird! We have made the choice to not tell them yet about my SGA- we just don't feel it's the right time yet. Honestly I don't know if that time will ever come, and that's okay. BUT, several times so far my wife and I have nearly slipped and said something. We're used to very open communication between us in the safety of our home, so it's a little hard at times to put those filters back on.

As we were all talking, 'NSYNC and other boy bands from the 90s came up, and my wife nearly made a joke about which one I had a crush on as a teenager (she had a crush on JC.. for me it just depended on the picture, since they changed their styles a lot) Wow, can you imagine how awkward that would have been if she had let that one slip?


We don't feel it's right to tell extended family right now. While there are some that we feel would be supportive, let's just say that others wouldn't accept it very well. I'm sure they'd love my wife and the grandkids unconditionally, but we're pretty sure I'd be treated as a ticking time bomb.

So in the meantime, it's really hard sometimes to keep my mouth shut. I guess that's normal, but especially hard to do right now. :)

A word from my wife

Surprise- my wife took to writing this post! Enjoy.


From the wife of a gay, married Mormon:

Some of you might be wondering "what's it like to be married to someone who is attracted to guys?"  The short answer: an emotional roller coaster!  The long answer takes a little more time; I can't do the subject justice in one post, but I will give it a shot.

Being married has been the greatest blessing of my life.  My husband I get along so well most of the time.   We even joke a little now that maybe we are so compatible because we have the same taste in men. ;).  But our road has had some difficulties, more so since finding out about my husband's secret struggle last year.

When he told me last May, we felt it best not to tell anyone.  That we could work it out alone, together.  Within a few months, we realized he should be seeing our bishop for extra help and support.  But after he started seeing the bishop, my loneliness intensified.  I felt I was completely alone with no one to talk to.  Sometimes people would say things to me like, "if you think your life is hard, look at poor so and so" and I would verbally agree but in my mind I was screaming "if you only knew...."  It has been difficult.  Finding my place in this non-traditional marriage had been a struggle and I have made some serious fumbles along the way.  This blog has been a great outlet for my husband.  But while it's important for those who struggle with this complex issue to reach out and support each other...Wives need support too.  With this secret life comes incredible loneliness.  And fear.  Fear that one day everything is going to fall apart and you have no control over anything.  Fear that everything you have ever known was a lie, a cover story, or an attempted "cure" for SGA. Fear that no matter what you do, you  will never be enough--because no matter how fit/trim you are, or how perfect your hair and makeup are...you're still not a man.  Because of all this, there is incredible insecurity.  

In spite of all these emotions, I have gained a lot of strength in this last year.   I was given a couple of experiences on the day my husband told me his "secrets" that let me know  The Lord was aware of me.  It was always in little things like getting a prompting to listen to a certain conference talk on my morning run instead of music.  And through another sweet experience prior to our talk I felt the love of God, comforting me before I even knew I needed it.  And that was very strengthening.

As we have tried to grapple with our new reality, we have started seeing our bishop together and going to marriage counseling- both scary but wonderful blessings.  We were counseled to make couple scripture study a top priority,  and we have followed that faithfully even while on vacation.  We have reached a new level of communication and openness that has been amazing.  We have talked about hard things and grown closer together.

The most important thing for me to remember is how incredible my husband is.  He has these attractions and inclinations but still he chose me.  He chose to put off the natural man and stay close to The Lord and the gospel.  And that is amazing to me.  In a strange way, since finding out about everything, my love and admiration for my husband have grown.  He is so strong and faithful even though the road is rocky sometimes.

I don't think the emotional roller coaster is over yet, but we are definitely making progress.

My greatest fear

Well, I apologize for checking out there. I had to write a paper for class, several clients had some tight deadlines, and we left on vacation. So, as much as I wanted to write, I literally haven't had time to write.

My wife and I went to a counselor last week with our Bishop's recommendations, and we had an amazing visit. I can't give a play-by-play of what was said because I don't remember everything, but we discussed some things that deal with my greatest fear.

I'm terrified of a relapse into pornography.

Seriously, I'm terrified of it. They "why" of it is fairly obvious- I want to stay away from the sin. I don't want that lust filling me. I don't want to hurt my wife again. I don't want to jeopardize in any way my eternal family. I want to break out of the cycle. I want to stay clean and pure.

Our counselor talked about addiction triggers. While it's applicable really to anyone struggling with an addiction or bad habit, it really applies here. He said there are 4 kinds of triggers:

1. External
2. Internal
3. Cravings/withdrawal
4. Sexual tension

The external is anything having to do with our 5 senses. Because our brain is made to make connections in order to find understanding, there are different things that can fire off connections that stir the addiction. Like the other day a friend was tagged in a picture on facebook. That fired off who knows what in my brain, and I very nearly got sucked into pornography again.

Internal deals with imbalance within ourselves. AA uses the acronym HALT, and others use BLAST. These letters refer to hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored or stressed. Basically, when our body experiences discomfort in these things and others, it seeks to alleviate that discomfort. I'm hungry, I want to eat. I'm tired, so well, let's just turn on the computer and not be so alone. Temporary relief only, but it alleviates the discomfort.

Cravings/withdrawal/sexual tension seem to kind of roll together in this field. It can become habitual- just like it's a habit as soon as I get out my phone to check Facebook for notifications. We build up habits that are hard to break.

I found out I had really set myself up last week when I was so stressed and working so much. I was overloaded. Stressed. VERY tired from staying up several nights. I didn't want to do my essay. And so I got on Facebook and an image triggered a bunch of stuff in my brain.

So I'm learning. I'm learning to monitor my emotions and stress levels. I'm learning to identify how I'm feeling and where that can lead me. Because my goal is to stay away. My goal is to win this battle.