My greatest fear

Well, I apologize for checking out there. I had to write a paper for class, several clients had some tight deadlines, and we left on vacation. So, as much as I wanted to write, I literally haven't had time to write.

My wife and I went to a counselor last week with our Bishop's recommendations, and we had an amazing visit. I can't give a play-by-play of what was said because I don't remember everything, but we discussed some things that deal with my greatest fear.

I'm terrified of a relapse into pornography.

Seriously, I'm terrified of it. They "why" of it is fairly obvious- I want to stay away from the sin. I don't want that lust filling me. I don't want to hurt my wife again. I don't want to jeopardize in any way my eternal family. I want to break out of the cycle. I want to stay clean and pure.

Our counselor talked about addiction triggers. While it's applicable really to anyone struggling with an addiction or bad habit, it really applies here. He said there are 4 kinds of triggers:

1. External
2. Internal
3. Cravings/withdrawal
4. Sexual tension

The external is anything having to do with our 5 senses. Because our brain is made to make connections in order to find understanding, there are different things that can fire off connections that stir the addiction. Like the other day a friend was tagged in a picture on facebook. That fired off who knows what in my brain, and I very nearly got sucked into pornography again.

Internal deals with imbalance within ourselves. AA uses the acronym HALT, and others use BLAST. These letters refer to hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored or stressed. Basically, when our body experiences discomfort in these things and others, it seeks to alleviate that discomfort. I'm hungry, I want to eat. I'm tired, so well, let's just turn on the computer and not be so alone. Temporary relief only, but it alleviates the discomfort.

Cravings/withdrawal/sexual tension seem to kind of roll together in this field. It can become habitual- just like it's a habit as soon as I get out my phone to check Facebook for notifications. We build up habits that are hard to break.

I found out I had really set myself up last week when I was so stressed and working so much. I was overloaded. Stressed. VERY tired from staying up several nights. I didn't want to do my essay. And so I got on Facebook and an image triggered a bunch of stuff in my brain.

So I'm learning. I'm learning to monitor my emotions and stress levels. I'm learning to identify how I'm feeling and where that can lead me. Because my goal is to stay away. My goal is to win this battle.