A word from my wife

Surprise- my wife took to writing this post! Enjoy.


From the wife of a gay, married Mormon:

Some of you might be wondering "what's it like to be married to someone who is attracted to guys?"  The short answer: an emotional roller coaster!  The long answer takes a little more time; I can't do the subject justice in one post, but I will give it a shot.

Being married has been the greatest blessing of my life.  My husband I get along so well most of the time.   We even joke a little now that maybe we are so compatible because we have the same taste in men. ;).  But our road has had some difficulties, more so since finding out about my husband's secret struggle last year.

When he told me last May, we felt it best not to tell anyone.  That we could work it out alone, together.  Within a few months, we realized he should be seeing our bishop for extra help and support.  But after he started seeing the bishop, my loneliness intensified.  I felt I was completely alone with no one to talk to.  Sometimes people would say things to me like, "if you think your life is hard, look at poor so and so" and I would verbally agree but in my mind I was screaming "if you only knew...."  It has been difficult.  Finding my place in this non-traditional marriage had been a struggle and I have made some serious fumbles along the way.  This blog has been a great outlet for my husband.  But while it's important for those who struggle with this complex issue to reach out and support each other...Wives need support too.  With this secret life comes incredible loneliness.  And fear.  Fear that one day everything is going to fall apart and you have no control over anything.  Fear that everything you have ever known was a lie, a cover story, or an attempted "cure" for SGA. Fear that no matter what you do, you  will never be enough--because no matter how fit/trim you are, or how perfect your hair and makeup are...you're still not a man.  Because of all this, there is incredible insecurity.  

In spite of all these emotions, I have gained a lot of strength in this last year.   I was given a couple of experiences on the day my husband told me his "secrets" that let me know  The Lord was aware of me.  It was always in little things like getting a prompting to listen to a certain conference talk on my morning run instead of music.  And through another sweet experience prior to our talk I felt the love of God, comforting me before I even knew I needed it.  And that was very strengthening.

As we have tried to grapple with our new reality, we have started seeing our bishop together and going to marriage counseling- both scary but wonderful blessings.  We were counseled to make couple scripture study a top priority,  and we have followed that faithfully even while on vacation.  We have reached a new level of communication and openness that has been amazing.  We have talked about hard things and grown closer together.

The most important thing for me to remember is how incredible my husband is.  He has these attractions and inclinations but still he chose me.  He chose to put off the natural man and stay close to The Lord and the gospel.  And that is amazing to me.  In a strange way, since finding out about everything, my love and admiration for my husband have grown.  He is so strong and faithful even though the road is rocky sometimes.

I don't think the emotional roller coaster is over yet, but we are definitely making progress.