I'll admit, things have been interesting lately. Everyone that I have told about my SGA has been kind and loving- incredibly accepting. However, over the last couple days, a couple people I deeply trust have in essence told me that I'm only "gay" because of the pornography. And that it would go away with the pornography usage.
I'll admit I was shocked when I found this out. I had this happen before, and it's frustrating. Of course I've done some searching- could it be that it's true? I just did this to myself?
I've come to the conclusion that this is not the case. There are remnants of memories from years before the pornography began where I was attracted to boys. My earliest recollections begin at age 9- a full 5 years before I was introduced to any pornography. Now, I do recognize that the porn use did take it to another realm and threw lust into the mix. Yes, the porn was definitely a bad choice and made things worse, but it didn't cause my attractions to other guys. Simple as that.
So I'm left feeling frustrated. I guess they're just in denial about it, which is understandable. I have a hard time not feeling like my feelings are just being discarded though. It's like I've got a broken arm- with bones sticking out in all its gore- and I'm told to just get a bandaid. That it will go away and we should really just pretend it's not there. That I'm making a big deal of nothing.
Sorry, but it's not that easy.
I'm Mormon, I'm married, and I'm gay. It's not a perfect combination. Heck, I'm not perfect either, but I'm working on it.
Monday, August 19, 2013
4 comments:
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Isn't that the way we are? We want others to believe us but it is so much harder to accept how others feel or are all the way. We can "scream" for others to listen and understand us and yet not do the same back. Most of us have a long way to go, I feel. Knowledge and charity takes us there, if we are willing.
ReplyDeleteSo true, Monica. It's scary when I think of how many times I haven't listened to others the way I should. I'm working on really listening to my kids right now ; it's a lonely road when we don't feel acknowledged or validated, and I want to be there for them. I've got a lot to learn for sure. :)
DeleteGMM, whoever is telling you the etymology of homosexuality Is pornography simply has no idea what they are talking about. Period. Yeah, pornography can cut you off from the spirit. Absolutely. Yes, it is a poision and needs to be eradicated from your/my life if we want to be happy. But it is not the CAUSE of you being gay.
ReplyDeleteI knew I was (gay) from around age 12, with earlier attractions to guys, that I didn't identify as sexual, as early as age 9 or 10. But the Internet (with its instant access to pornography) didn't come along until years later (I'm older than you). In my case, the homosexuality was there before I even knew anything about sexual attraction; and long before I ever saw any kind of pornography.
Admittedly, this is a lonely road. Even when you are married and have kids... because there is this part of you nobody understands. Even the people who love you the most don't completely understand. Even some of my (gay) friends who I know care about me don't really understand me. I communicate too much, or I'm too transparent or "real" with them, or whatever, and end up pushing them away. It smashes me flat. It hurts and I don't know the answers to tell you about how you can feel understood. Because every time I think I've finally found a friend who really understands me, I apparently do something to push them away (though they don't tell me that is what's happening).
But God cares... so ultimately, you are definitely not alone. I understand your frustration... but don't give up. Like you have said so many times on this blog. The key is the atonement... and mercy and grace. So even if nobody else understands you (which is how I feel right now), HE does. Just hang onto that and you'll stay on solid ground. I wish I had more answers for you.
Because I've walked this road for more years than you, I used to think I did have some answers. But now all I realize is how much I don't know. However if we never give up on God, he'll never give up on us. And in the interim, I need to be patient with the people who don't understand me. Because the ones who really love me want to understand. My wife wants to. My (gay) friends want to. But we are all unique. So sometimes as hard as the people who love me try, they can't understand the part of me that wants to be understood the most. But Christ DOES understand... because he suffered everything we can possibly suffer. And maybe that is why you and I were given this cross to bear (just tossing that possibility out there). Maybe that is the only way we will ever turn our hearts completely overt to Him. I'm still working on that part actually :)
Hang in there GMM. You are obviously doing a lot of good with your life.
oops... typo. I meant to say: turn our hearts "over" to him.
ReplyDeletePS - I really like what you said to Monica. That has been one of the good things that has come from the hurt that comes from people, even people who love me, not understanding me. When that happens, I know how it feels when I'm sometimes oblivious to the feelings of my kids or my wife. When I'm being indifferent, or distracted, and I don't realize I'm doing it... or how it is affecting them. Hurting them even. When I feel that same hurt it makes me never want to hurt another person again. So now I'm more aware and I try harder. Like you said, I have a lot to learn. But I'm doing better :)