I've thought a lot about it. I have a few ideas of things that compounded the issue, but bottom line as Lady Gaga says, I was born this way. For some strange reason, I came into this life with these tendencies. Sure, the pornography and a few other things changed things and compounded it.
Many have suggested the idea that we chose our trials in the pre-earth life. Now, I don't know if I believe that or not. I have not heard any teachings in the Church that confirm or deny that theory. But let's run with that for a minute and pretend I for some reason chose this trial of same-gender attraction in the pre-earth life. Wow, what was I thinking? I must have seen this as a thing to overcome that would bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. And that changes the ballgame- it takes us from a long, awful life struggling with this, to instead a trial to overcome. Something that is difficult, but meant to get me somewhere.
Now, let's say that's not the case- I didn't choose this trial in the pre-earth life. That means that someone else did- Heavenly Father- with the intention of helping me rise higher to be like Him. And that changes the ballgame too; we aren't meant to suffer through this. It is to help us rise and overcome.
I recently read the passage in Ether 12:27, but saw it in a new light.
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
Several things jump out here to me. One major thing is that the Lord just wants us to be humble and follow Him. And gloriously, thankfully, His grace is sufficient for all who follow Him. This takes it from a question of why did this have to happen to me, and turns it around. Instead, I now ask what do I need to learn from this, and how do I best learn and overcome this?
The attractions will never go away. I'm guessing too that Satan will tempt me with pornography the rest of my life (he's mean that way). But I can overcome the lust. I can be sufficiently strong through the grace and mercy of our Savior. And that gives me comfort for the road ahead.
A mentor whose wisdom and insight I greatly trust once suggested that both those scenarios you described are precisely what took place in my pre-existent life. That TOGETHER, Heavenly Father and I mapped out a mortal tutorial which would provide the best learning experience possible – and that I agreed to accept the particular challenge of same gender attraction. Referring to the combination of SGA and some other difficult challenges I faced, he said, “you picked a PhD course in life.” Because I was really suffering at the time, my reaction was a little less refined than yours. I replied, "What the hell was I thinking?"
ReplyDeleteEither 12:27 is the "go to" scripture for many people who struggle with human weakness. And you hit the nail on the head when you focused on the words you put in bold. We Mormons often shy away from Grace. If we aren't careful, it is easy to concentrate solely on the importance of doing our part. Problem is, we can't really do our part all on our own. We need to be humble and allow the Savior of all mankind to do his part. His arms are outstretched to us all the day long in pure love. He stands at the door and knocks. Why is it so hard sometimes to open the door and let him in? Is it because we are so focused on our own failures, or how difficult certain trials are? Or, as you said, do we get focused on "why?"
Accepting His mercy and grace should be such an easy thing. Like when the fiery serpents plagued the children of Israel. The thing God asked them to do was so simple. All they had to do was look... and they would live. But many were too stubborn to look, and they chose to die rather than soften their hearts.
I particularly love what you said in the last two paragraphs of this post GMM.
We all need to be strengthened by each other's faith and hope and perspective. Thanks for sharing yours. It helped me today.