What I've learned

Okie dokie y'all, this is it.
I've closed my email and this is my last post before I sign out. Here are a few things I've learned:

I'm not alone.

I've received many emails from people I now consider friends, supporting and strengthening me. I've been shocked at just how not alone I am in dealing with this issue of SGA in my life. Thanks for your support and kindness you've all shown me.

The Atonement still applies to me.

Even though I've messed up, the Atonement applies to me- and you! I've been addicted to pornography for 15 years now, since I was 14. I've been masturbating most of that time too. (I did take a few breaks from those two addictions though). I have felt alone, lost, and like the biggest heathen on the planet because of my attractions and actions. But, Christ's Atonement applies to me. He died on the cross so that I can live again. And be forgiven. And His Grace fills in all the gaps so that I can be made clean, and changes me.

I'm not a freak case.

My experience is not completely unique. Apparently it's common to fool around with friends and cousins at a young age and be introduced that way. It's common to be introduced to pornography during adolescence. It's common to hide my feelings and fears. And apparently it's not uncommon to still get married while feeling this way.

I have underlying needs that need to be met.

I have been subconsciously using pornography, masturbation and even my SSA to meet subconscious needs. I don't have time to write much about this right now, but I am working on identifying those needs for myself so I can find a healthier alternative.

I don't have to live my life consumed by pornography.

I am confident that by incorporating two things in my life I can overcome that addiction for good and nail the coffin shut. First, through preparing myself every day with the Gospel of Christ. Studying scriptures, meaningful prayers, temple attendance, and attending my church meetings are just a few ways there. Second, I can identify my triggers and develop my plan for overcoming them when the temptations for pornography start coming.

I can still live the Gospel of Jesus Christ according to His standards.

I hold a current temple recommend, and I am completely worthy of it. I have been free of addiction and bad habits for 8 months now, and that number is growing all the time. While I may have inappropriate thoughts at times, I still can overcome them and replace them with clean thoughts. I am in control of my actions, and I have decided to follow Christ's plan. I know that it will bring me happiness.

I don't need to be with another guy to be happy.

Satan paints that pretty picture in my mind sometimes- me being all happy and "true to myself" with another guy. That thought, however, is becoming more and more revolting. I am happy with my wife. I am happy with my children. I am happy living the Gospel of Christ.

My SGA does not define me.

What does define me? Being a Son of God. A father. A husband. But not my SGA. That's temporary. That's going to go away. But these other things? Those ones last.

I close with Ephesians 6:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

 And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel,

 For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

But that ye also may know my affairs, and how I do, Tychicus, a beloved brother and faithful minister in the Lord, shall make known to you all things:

Whom I have sent unto you for the same purpose, that ye might know our affairs, and that he might comfort your hearts.

Peace be to the brethren, and love with faith, from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Grace be with all them that love our Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity. Amen.

Development of Same-Sex Attraction: Two Patterns

From Jeff Robinson, Part 2

Source: http://theguardrail.com/understanding

Why do some men find themselves sexually attracted to other men?  How does it get started? While no two men have exactly the same experience, there are some fairly common patterns. I want to describe two of them.

First Pattern

The first pattern I will describe is somewhat less common.  It fits for only
about half of the clients I talk to.  But when it does fit, it is very important to understand. It
begins when a boy is very young, in pre-adolescence or early adolescence. This young man, who is
unusually emotionally sensitive, self analytical, and perfectionistic, begins to hear about 
chastity, sexual  morality, purity, and moral cleanliness.  He makes up his mind, at a very deep
level, that he is not going to think sexual thought about girls. He sees them as too pure, too
sacred to think about in that way. It is likely  however, that he has heard little if any
discussion about not thinking sexual thoughts about other boys. He may also assume that since he is
allowed to see other boys in locker rooms or other situations and that he himself is a boy and can
look at himself in the mirror, that seeing or thinking about other boys must not be that bad.  As a
result, when this young man hits puberty and begins to have the experience of strong sexual
arousal, he is actually less resistive, feels less guilt, in thinking sexually about other boys
than he would thinking about girls.

I commonly asked clients which they would feel most guilty about: having an explicit sexual fantasy
about a women or having a similarly  explicit sexual fantasy about a man. About half of them tell
me that they would feel more guilt fantasizing about a woman. The majority of those who feel that
way say that they would feel two or three times more guilty fantasizing about a woman. So when this
pattern fits, it has a very strong effect.

GMM: Okay, this is right on. As he was describing the first pattern, I just kept thinking yes, this is me! It was pounded into me when growing up that I shouldn't have any sexual thoughts about girls. It was deeply engrained into me. But I was never taught to not look at boys. So, in my weirdly twisted brain, it was much less wrong to look at boys than girls. I didn't really resist it much.

Second Pattern

The second pattern I would like to describe in the development of same -sex attraction is more common than the first one. It fits for a significant majority of men. It is a little bit more complex, and it sometimes goes hand in hand with the first pattern.

The men I counsel who experienced same-sex attraction often say something like “from an early age I have always felt different from or rejected by other men or boys.” For some men, this has to do
with their relationship with their father; they felt distant from their father or felt that their father didn't approve of them. Some did not like their father, and did not want to be like him. But for many other men, same-sex attraction does not seem to have much to do with their father at all. Some people believe this problem is always about the father, but many men I have counseled say they had good, often very good, relationships with their fathers.

Instead, for many individuals I counsel with, feeling different or rejected had to do with peers or
sometimes siblings. Some men were made fun of or teased. They may have been called “gay” or “fag” or other kinds of names when they were growing up. Some were left out of activities ; some simply did not like traditional activities like sports or cars or other kinds of things that boys are
supposed to like. Some were more drawn to artistic endeavors, and many have been more expressive
and more verbal. They may have excelled in art, music, drama or other less stereotypically male
activities.

GMM: Check, check, check. I had a decent enough relationship with my dad, but I've always struggled with relationships with other guys. The irony there is any of my friends would peg me as an extrovert.. Anyway, I never really fit in. Sports? No thanks. My act of rebellion in my family was keeping out of sports. And by the time I was starting to be interested in sports, everyone else was pretty good already, so I was too far behind. I did end up in choir and loved it. And I was constantly called gay, which I hated. I don't think people really thought I was, but 4-6 grades were pretty rough that way.

So from a very young age, they felt different or rejected by other males. Because of this, they
began to focus on other boys or men very intensely, almost obsessively. That intense focus most
often took one or more of three different forms:

First, they may have focused on other boys with envy and comparisons to themselves: “Why can't I be like other guys? I am so different! Why can't I have that guy's good looks, that guy's muscles,
that guy's body, that guy's sexual development, that guy's popularity?”

GMM: You mean not everyone does that? Totally describes me here.

Second, they may have focused on other boys through their desire to belong. They saw other boys in

groups of friends and buddies laughing, talking, and roughhousing, and they wanted to belong, to be
included, to fit in. They wanted to be liked and cared about.

Third, they may have focused on other boys with fascination and curiosity. They found them
intriguing. They may have been intrigued by their masculinity or by their sexual development. They
may have been intrigued by them aesthetically—they simply found them to be beautiful. So in one or
more of these three different ways—and often in all three—they became very focused on other men.

GMM: I had actually told my wife about this before. I was so concerned during puberty about if I was developing right, if I was right and normal. I became fixated on it.

 

Next came puberty, I'm sorry for being a little bit explicit here, but this is an explicit topic
and to really understand what happens in the lives of these young men, we need to be specific.
Young adolescent boys are very easily sexually aroused. Usually by the age of 12 they are becoming 
aroused many times each day. They may become aroused by any change in their physical environment, by any significant shift in their emotions, or for no reason at all. They may think, "I'm hot, I get aroused; I'm cold, I get aroused; my pants are too tight, I get aroused; my pants are too
loose, I  get aroused; I need to use the bathroom, I get aroused; the car ride is bumpy, I get
aroused." Or maybe they think "I'm nervous, I get aroused; I'm excited, I get aroused; I'm relaxed, I get aroused; I'm happy, I get aroused." Or for no reason at all they just get aroused multiple times during the day. I had one sixteen year old client say to me once "I'm doing much better at not having sexual fantasies, so I just have the normal arousal, about every forty-five minutes."

At this stage in their life, this arousal is what I would call “un- differentiated.” It is not
connected to any particular gender or even to other people in general. They simply get aroused a
lot. The majority boys at this stage of life are almost bored with other boys : “I've been playing
football with these guys; we've been hanging out together; there's nothing new, exciting or
intriguing there. But those girls over there, they're shaped differently, they talk differently,
and most importantly, my culture sends me all kinds of messages about sexuality, romance,
girlfriends, marriage and sex”—and so this arousal which is frequent and strong, but which up to
this point has been undifferentiated, soon begins to focus on girls.

Most boys become sexually attracted to girls for the same reason they speak English: it's what
their culture trains them to do.  As in language acquisition, a growing child eventually acquires
the ability to speak, or, in the case of sexuality, to get aroused, but the specific ways in which
these general abilities will eventually be expressed is most strongly influenced by their cultural
surroundings.

So what happens in the life of young men who begins to struggle with same-sex attraction? What
happens differently for them? Well, for a significant minority of boys their focus at this stage
isn't on girls; instead, their focus is still on other boys because of envy, wanting to belong,
fascination, and curiosity. It is the other boys they want to be like. It is the other boys they
want to be close to and accepted by. It is the other boys they are fascinated by and have strong
emotional reactions to. So eventually it is the other boys they begin to be aroused by.

In my experience, these are the two most common ways that a young man begins to experience sexual attraction to other young men: anxiety or guilt about having sexual feelings towards girls; and
intense focus on other boys at the onset of puberty. It is not uncommon for significant numbers of
adolescent boys to experience some sexual arousal towards other boys.  But for most boys this
experience of same-sex arousal has little lasting significance. They may notice it, but they
quickly shrugged it off as unimportant, not worth worrying about.

We are concerned, about are the boys who get stuck there; the ones for whom this experience of
same-sex arousal becomes increasingly frequent and intense during their adolescent years. To
understand why this happens for some young men, it is important to remember that we are talking
about those who have three characteristics in common: they are unusually emotionally sensitive, they are extraordinarily introspective or self analytical and they care intensely about doing things right. When these young men notice that they are beginning to be sexually aroused by other men, five things happen. For some these things happen very quickly; for others they may occur slowly over a period of years.

GMM: Oops, I got stuck. :)

 http://theguardrail.com/files/Understanding_Unwanted_Same-Sex%20Attraction.pdf

Common Traits Among Men Who Experience Same-Sex Attraction

I was recently given an article by Jeff Robinson that was pretty incredible. He's a counselor out of Utah and has done some pretty amazing work. You should check it out. Really. It's changed my perspective on a lot of things, and is really spot on. For me anyway.

I'm going to be signing out of the blogging world before much longer. My wife is concerned that me spending so much time thinking about this is making things worse because I'm focusing on it. So, I'll be signing out. Considering my recent drama when I signed out not long ago, this probably doesn't come as a surprise. I'm not keen on the contention in our marriage.

But before we do that, I want to share a few things. So I'm writing them all up tonight and scheduling them to post over the next few days.

Important for me has been understanding why I'm feeling this way. So, I'm going to shamelessly copy and paste some things from his awesome document. Please read it. Seriously.

From Jeff Robinson:

It has been my experience that men who struggle with feelings of same sex attraction consistently
share three significant personality traits. These traits are almost universal among these men; in
fact, when one of these traits is not present, there has generally been some sort of strong
introductory experience, such as sexual abuse, that may have contributed to their feelings of
same-sex attraction.

The first characteristic shared by men who struggle with same-sex attraction is that they tend to be unusually emotionally sensitive. They say things like, “I have always been more tenderhearted
than other people ,” “I have always felt things more deeply than other people,” “I have trouble
controlling my emotions,” “I get my feelings hurt easily," or “I cry more easily than other
people.”

GMM: Yeah, this fits. I always cried at church meetings. After all, isn't that what we're taught to do?

The second personality trait shared by these men is that they are unusually introspective.  They
are often very intelligent, they do a lot of thinking, and much of their thinking is self analytical. They often make statements such as, “People tell me I think too much,”  “I analyze things to death,” “I think myself into circles,” “I think myself into knots,” or “I'm always trying to understand myself.”

GMM: I didn't think this applied to me so much at first, but my wife agreed with it immediately. Then that night, when I spent 10 minutes deciding just which shirt to wear, I realized that yeah, I probably was analyzing too much.

The third and perhaps the most ironic trait that these men have in common is that they have an
unusually strong sense of right and wrong, coupled with an unusually strong desire to be right. I use the term “right” very broadly: to be right, to be worthy, to be righteous, to be normal, to be
popular, to be liked, to be attractive, to be okay, to be helpful, to be talented, to be good
looking. They just want to get things right—to be good. When parents find out they have a son
dealing with this issue, they will sometimes say, “This was my best child. He was the most devout,
the most obedient, the most helpful, and the most tenderhearted.” It is not unusual for these men
to have had outstanding histories of activity in the Church and to have held positions of
responsibility and leadership in their Aaronic Priesthood quorums, in their seminary classes or on
their missions.

GMM: This fits too. I never was in the popular groups, but I wanted it so badly. I wanted to be righteous- perfectly so. After all, the scriptures say we should be, right?

These three characteristics—emotional sensitivity, introspection, and the desire to be right are
each good attributes. The world needs more men who are sensitive, thoughtful, and who want to do
good. Yet I believe that these three characteristics are the single most significant reason why
these men “get stuck” in same-sex attraction. It is a great irony that these three positive
characteristics play a prominent role in such an agonizing difficulty. It is as though Satan says,
"Here is a group of men who could do great good in this world. What can I do to stop them?"

Hitting a wrong note

I was listening to Brad Wilcox's talk, His Grace is Sufficient. I love it. You should read it. Again.

He said,

There are young men who grow up their whole lives singing, “I hope they call me on a mission,” and then they do actually grow a foot or two and flake out completely. They get their Eagles, graduate from high school, and go away to college. Then suddenly these young men find out how easy it is to not be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, or reverent.

They mess up. They say, “I’ll never do it again,” and then they do it. They say, “I’ll never do it again,” and then they do it. They say, “This is stupid. I will never do it again,” and then they do it.  

The guilt is almost unbearable. They don’t dare talk to a bishop. Instead, they hide. They say, “I can’t do this Mormon thing. I’ve tried, and the expectations are just way too high.” So they quit.  

These young men don’t understand grace.

I can say I have been there. I've messed up, and said that I won't ever do that again. And then I do. So I say I'm never doing that again. And I do. The pattern he talked about is exactly right- I try, try again, each time saying I'm never going to do it again. But I do. And I'm hard on myself. I'm frustrated, upset, and not exactly pleasant to be around during those times.

When a young pianist hits a wrong note, we don’t say he is not worthy to keep practicing. We don’t expect him to be flawless. We just expect him to keep trying. Perfection may be his ultimate goal, but for now we can be content with movement in the right direction. Why is this perspective so easy to see in the context of learning piano but so hard to see in the context of learning heaven?

 There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Cor. 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected” (D&C 67:13). 

So I'm continuing on in His grace. I'm doing better than I have in a long time, and I'm excited for the future. It's not easy- last week had some miserable moments as I was fighting my dragons- but I look every day to that change that comes in me through Christ.

 

Been Cheating on my Wife

My wife and I sat down recently and had a pretty heavy conversation. In that talk, she told me something that hit pretty hard: when I looked at pornography, she felt like I had cheated on her.

Ouch.

I thought about it a lot, and I think she's right- but it makes me sick to look at it that way.
Christ taught that "Whosoever looketh on a woman (man) to lust after her (him) hath committed adultery in his heart." (Matt 5:28). I think we can take that wording and apply it for when we're checking out other guys. There's a line between checking out the scene, and lusting. And unfortunately I've crossed that line too many times.

So this is what's been on my mind this week when I've been tempted. And do I really want to go there? No. All my life I've been taught about the law of Chastity. It was hammered into us in Young Men's. In a weird way, my mind for many years applied it outwardly to my relationships with women. Yeah, I'd feel guilty for checking out guys, but much less guilty than checking out girls. I know, you're thinking- wow, this guy has issues. Yes, yes I do. But that's how my mind worked for quite awhile and I'm still working on overcoming it. I was too scared to think of girls that way- with little or no discussion on sexual thoughts about guys.

But now I've come to realize that venturing off on my own sexual adventures like that aren't what God wants for me. He meant for it to be something for me and my wife, not just me and my hands.

I'd pretty much look at myself as a monster for doing this to my wife, but I believe too much in the Atonement for that. I desperately cling to it. Yeah, I've messed up. A lot. But you know what? The Atonement still covers me, and my wife still loves me. That's the great part, and I'm grateful for the chance to change.

Crying out for help

You know, sometimes I get discouraged when the temptations start coming. I guess it makes sense that they do- we know where discouragement comes from, and it's the same source as temptations.. Anyway, it's just discouraging when you're overwhelmed by the temptation and desire for pornography; it's like jeez, I have a whole life of this pleasant stuff ahead of me? No thanks. But, I'm not planning on an early exit from this life, so there's not much to do sometimes but endure. But then, at other times, I feel carried and lifted through my trials, and it makes all the difference. So much difference, in fact, that I haven't had a major problem with run-on sentences for a whole week. But seriously, sometimes it's just overwhelming. I can't- don't- want to do this anymore. I want to give in, but I don't want to either. And so I sit and watch stupid youtube videos or surf facebook. lol. And sometimes, when it's too overwhelming to deal with, I seem to cry out to Father in Heaven- I can't do this! I need help! And before I know it, I'm in a better place. I know He's there.

I had an experience on my mission that had incredible impact on me. One night on a dark road, I had the most terrifying experience of my life (even more so than  the gunfire exchange I got caught in a year later). And during that experience, I came to know how real Satan is. And it terrified me enough that to this day I can not sleep in pitch black. The power of the devil is real.

 

And so the next night, finally home safe and in bed, we turned off the lights to sleep. Immediately I was terrified, so much so that I couldn't even scream out. All I could do was say a prayer to my Father in Heaven, pleading, begging, in just a few words but with the energy of my entire soul for help and comfort. Immediately I felt it in the most incredible way. The night before, I felt Satan's reality and darkness in all its glory. But that night, I  felt God's love and light in all His glory. I felt as though His arms were wrapped around me, and it filled my soul with peace.

 

I don't share that experience very often- in fact I don't know that I've even shared it with my mom. It's sacred and important to me, and I know that God loves me. He loves us all. He is watching over us, as a very kind and loving Father. Not just some all-powerful being, but my Father! And that's the kind of thing that gives screw-ups like me hope.

 

I know God lives. I know He loves each of us and is aware of us. And I know we can go on following His commandments- with the hope of eternal life with Him.

 

Wow, testimony meeting for sure today.
I'm recommitting myself to be perfectly obedient when it comes to pornography and everything. I'm going to be loyal to my wife, my covenants, and my Father in Heaven. And I'm excited for the path we find ourselves on as we over come these struggles.

The boy is mine

Oh my, that was awkward.

I was tired. Didn't want to do anything. So, I opened up iTunes and randomly clicked on 90s music and turned the volume all the way up. Before I knew it, "The Boy is Mine" was blasting from my computer. My wife walked in with a concerned look on her face- this song isn't so innocent when playing on my computer. I laughed it off and hit next- and Michael Jackson's "She's Out of My Life" came on.

I think iTunes knows I'm gay and is sending me subliminal messages.

Some days I just can't do this

I'm guessing I'm not alone, but some days I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't deal with everything. I feel the weight of the world again, and it's overpowering me at the moment. Not in the sense that I'm done with my marriage and ready to run off with Steve- that idea is repulsive to me. I love my wife, we have a celestial marriage, and I have chosen to stay with her because I love her. But I am seriously burdened down and having a hard time today. President Faust once said at a BYU devotional that we aren't going to have good days every day. I guess he was right. So I'm going to leave work early and go mow the lawn. Get a change of pace.

For right now, I'm just getting through it. Putting one step in front of the other. I leave you with one of my favorite songs- Hang on Little Tomato, by Pink Martini:


The sun has left and forgotten me
It's dark, I cannot see
Why does this rain pour down
I'm gonna drown
In a sea
Of deep confusion

Somebody told me, I don't know who
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you're feelin' all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you'll find

You gotta hold on, hold on through the night
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it's dark
And not a bit of spark
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love

Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you'll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something's coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew instead

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

Weight of the World

So.. As you can probably tell from my bipolar posts yesterday, there's been a lot going on. Yesterday I felt like the weight of the world was on me. Every inch of my body was pumped full of lead and it took a huge amount of effort to move and do anything. Nor did I really care to do anything. I was so consumed with everything going on that I shut down. 

My wife and I opened up the conversation last night and worked things out. It was a huge relief, and today has been much better. But then late this morning, the heaviness started creeping on. 

You know what drives me nuts? I feel like people see a ticking divorce clock, and I'm ready to go run off with Danny and live the gay lifestyle. It drives me nuts, because it's so far from the truth. I love my wife incredibly and will not leave her. So we had an in depth conversation again. And I began feeling like my head was spinning. 

So I took a drive. I decided I needed to go somewhere at work, which was a half hour away. I turned on a comedy station on Pandora and just enjoyed it. I forgot about my worries for a little bit and had a good time.

I feel a lot better now. My head is clearing and I feel like myself again. Even though I feel a little fragile sometimes, and need constant affirmation and support, I can do this with the help of my Savior. And yes, there's that word again: hope. 

The sheepish post: I'm back.

Ok, here comes the sheepish post.. I'm back. Not going anywhere. False alarm :)

I felt like I needed to stop blogging/emailing in order to keep my wife happy. After all, our relationship is the most important thing- we want it eternally, right? Well, after a long and difficult day, we talked things through this evening and uncovered the real issues that we needed to address. And they had nothing to do with my blog, so I'm back.

When we met with our counselor a few weeks ago, he told us that our marriage is a "non-traditional" marriage. Yeah, you could say that again. BUT, because of that, he said that many in our situation are able to reach a higher level. My wife and I have felt that to be true; we have engaged in conversations lately that take us to a new depth. Rather than my typical pattern of fleeing our arguments, we have learned to really sit down and work through things. This was one of those days where that was put to the test!

If there's any advice I have to give today, it's that. If you and your spouse are struggling, you're not alone. There are some deep and serious issues that need to be worked through. Sit down and talk. Be open and honest. Work through things- not in an angry, emotional way. That was me throughout most of the day- upset, grumpy, totally closed off. I felt alienated, alone, and like the world was against me. That no one cared about how I feel. That everyone around me things I'm this monster, waiting to break loose at any given moment.

This evening, I was finally able to talk through things without being all charged up. It took some effort, but we made some progress. We worked through a lot of things, and I think we're finding some good ground to stand on.

So my wife tells me now to go save the world, one blog post at a time. I don't know about the saving the world part, but I'm here anyway. :)

Parting Thoughts

Hey everyone,

I'm going offline for awhile. There have been issues my wife and I are dealing with, and her relationship is more important than anything else to me. After all, that's the eternal one- so it counts more than anything in the world.

I don't know if I'll be back online or not. For at least a while, I won't. Thanks for your support though- it's been a huge blessing to me to come in contact with those who have offered so much kindness and support.

I've made a lot of progress in the last 7 weeks since starting this blog. I've learned a lot in how to handle temptations when they come. I've really come to grips with my same-gender attraction. I much better understand who I am in many ways. And although the SGA is a huge thing in my life right now, that's not my key identifier. I'm a son of God, a husband, and a father. Those are the ones that count.

There are some of you whom I have received emails from and haven't had a chance to get back to you. I'm really sorry that I won't be able to respond. I want you to know that I appreciate your friendship and support. I have gained a lot by emailing you, and appreciate that very much. I pray for you and success in your families. I hope that the eternal rewards we all seek will be yours as well.

All the best,
GMM

Can't even agree to disagree

The weekend is almost here. I can almost feel it. Hallelujah.

It's been a rough week. My wife and I have struggled lately with some issues, and we seem to be completely polar opposites on them. We've had more than our fair share of arguments and frustrating moments this week. As my wife said, we can't even agree to disagree.

Being gay, married, and Mormon is not exactly an easy thing to deal with sometimes. There's a heck of a lot of baggage.

So, for now, we're focusing on being happy together. Tonight is date night- which means after the kids go to bed, we pop some popcorn, whip up some avocado shakes, and watch a chick flick. There's one advantage to me being gay- we both like those movies!

So tonight we'll snuggle up on the couch and put everything behind us for a bit. Our problems will still be there to deal with for a very long time- the trick today is not letting them get in front of those we love. How does the phrase go? Don't let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.. or something like that.

My own Ammonihah

Ammonihah was the place to be. At least, it was if you were wicked. The Lord sent Alma and Amulek to preach the gospel; they did, and found many who believed. So what did the town folk do? Burned all the converts, and threw Alma and Amulek into a prison. The walls came tumbling down,

Alma and Amulek ran free, and then before you know it, the Lamanites came through and destroyed the whole city in one day. Everyone was killed, bodies were left lying in the streets, and it became known as the Desolation of Nehors.

Fast forward several chapters in the Book of Alma. Lamanites are invading Nephite lands, and where do you think they'd want to go? That's easy- let's take out Ammonihah again! But to their shock and surprise, in Alma 49 we find that Captain Moroni had fortified the rebuilt city. The Lamanites slunked away and went after the land of Noah, which had been weak before too. Surprise, surprise- Moroni had fortified all the lands round about. The Lamanites got their butts kicked.

See any applications yet?

I have my own Ammonihahs and Noahs. I've been weak for far too long in many sins. My city has been leveled as it were- several times. But, through Christ's Atonement and grace, "my city" has been rebuilt. And now I'm working on reinforcing it like never before. My wife and I are focusing on the good word of God in our lives. After all,

• Alma 31:5

  5 And now, as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God.

And it has been incredible, as we've focused on the Gospel. I've felt increased strength. I've felt increased connection with my sweet wife. We've been blessed.

And yet my counselor told me yesterday that's not going to be enough. I can study the scriptures for hours and hours every day, and it won't be enough if I expect myself to really overcome my addiction to pornography and stay away from it forever. I need to focus on how I handle and overcome my triggers in order to do that.

So, if I'm stressed, I need to first realize that the temptations will come during that weak moment. And I need to decide how I'm going to handle it in a healthy way. If I'm bored (AKA not feeling fulfilled in my current activity) then I need to have decided how to handle temptations that come during that time. Same thing if I'm tired. Angry. Whatever it may be. And I'm going to write down my action plan so that it's easier to follow through next time.

Point is, I'm excited. No, it's not easy to figure these things out. Yes, the temptations will come- and probably the rest of my life. But I'll be more ready for them. As I prepare myself with the word of God, and focus on overcoming the temptations as they come, I know I can win.

 For the first time in a long time, I really feel like I can kick the pornography thing in a real way. I'm going to make strong what was weak. I'm going to rebuild my own Ammonihah and fortify it against attack. And there's a lot of hope in that.

Feeling frustrated

I'll admit, things have been interesting lately. Everyone that I have told about my SGA has been kind and loving- incredibly accepting. However, over the last couple days, a couple people I deeply trust have in essence told me that I'm only "gay" because of the pornography. And that it would go away with the pornography usage.

I'll admit I was shocked when I found this out. I had this happen before, and it's frustrating. Of course I've done some searching- could it be that it's true? I just did this to myself?

I've come to the conclusion that this is not the case. There are remnants of memories from years before the pornography began where I was attracted to boys. My earliest recollections begin at age 9- a full 5 years before I was introduced to any pornography. Now, I do recognize that the porn use did take it to another realm and threw lust into the mix. Yes, the porn was definitely a bad choice and made things worse, but it didn't cause my attractions to other guys. Simple as that.

So I'm left feeling frustrated. I guess they're just in denial about it, which is understandable. I have a hard time not feeling like my feelings are just being discarded though. It's like I've got a broken arm- with bones sticking out in all its gore- and I'm told to just get a bandaid. That it will go away and we should really just pretend it's not there. That I'm making a big deal of nothing.

Sorry, but it's not that easy.

Don't leave me hanging here!

My wife had a cool experience today. She was sitting at the top of the stairs, and our 18 month old was crawling up the stairs. Half way up, our daughter looked up and saw my wife watching her. You could read the thoughts on her face- Really, mom? You're just sitting there watching me and not picking me up?? You think this is easy crawling up these stairs? Come pick me up- don't leave me hanging here!

And then my wife held her arms out for our daughter and told her to come up, you can do it. She quickly crawled up the stairs for a hug.

If you don't see any similarities and applications, you owe me a snickers bar.

Our Heavenly Father is like that. He's sitting at the proverbial top-of-the-stairs watching us, making sure we don't fall down.

But Father, we complain, why do I have to do this? Why on earth am I attracted to guys? I'll do whatever it takes for this to go away! This is so hard. I'm lonely. I hate this part of myself. Take this from me!

But instead, sometimes He just holds His arms out. He calls to us, invites us in. He lets us work for a little bit, but promises great things if we make the journey up the stairs.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I beseech of you in words of soberness that ye would repent, and come with full purpose of heart, and cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you. And while his arm of mercy is extended towards you in the light of the day, harden not your hearts. 

 Yea, today, if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts.  

(Jacob 6:5-6, emphasis added)

Don't give up guys. Hang in there. 

Photo courtesy Flicker Creative Commons

I'm the refurbished model.

Last night I had a "close call." We had been at the beach all afternoon enjoying this gorgeous weather, and came home to change. Several times after- and in different places too- the temptations started rolling in. Out of the blue. And hard. Ugh.

What saved me? We had to go to my parents' for something. It had been planned all day. Whew. By the time we got home, by mind was elsewhere and things were fine.

Fast forward to this afternoon; I got home from some meetings mid-day and was exhausted. My youngest was throwing up all night (once in my bed too- not fun!!) so we didn't sleep the best. I wanted nothing more than a nap. I was on the couch with my blanky, ready to drift off to dreamland, until I remembered all the work I need to do to keep my clients happy. Ugh. So I got up and hopped on the elliptical for 10 minutes. I hit it hard, and got off feeling great.

So now here I am, eating fresh peaches and cranking up some tunes (currently "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap). I'm cranking out some work, getting things done. I'm happy. Optimistic. (Gay) as ever, but that doesn't have to get in the way of true happiness.

Moral of the story: a change of scenery often helps. Sometimes going into the other room is enough, others it isn't. Sometimes it takes a great deal of distraction to get out of it. But it can be done! I could have easily fallen to the temptations- after all, it's not like Satan hits us when we're strong. He waits until we are weakened, and then hits hard- and sometimes we do fall. But the joy of the Atonement is that we can be redeemed.

Yesterday a friend joked that I'm a squeaky clean Mormon boy. I laughed in his face and reminded him just how gay I can be. He agreed, and decided instead I'm more of a gay-yet-refurbished Mormon boy. I'll take that- aren't we all that way? We sin, we mess up, but Christ's love- his Atonement and grace- take bad things away, and we become clean again. Worth the full value.

That's the good stuff that gives me hope, and I feel strong enough to keep pressing on.

Why

I'm guessing that I'm not the only one who has ever asked this question- Why did this happen to me? Why did I turn out.. gay?

I've thought a lot about it. I have a few ideas of things that compounded the issue, but bottom line as Lady Gaga says, I was born this way. For some strange reason, I came into this life with these tendencies. Sure, the pornography and a few other things changed things and compounded it.

Many have suggested the idea that we chose our trials in the pre-earth life. Now, I don't know if I believe that or not. I have not heard any teachings in the Church that confirm or deny that theory. But let's run with that for a minute and pretend I for some reason chose this trial of same-gender attraction in the pre-earth life. Wow, what was I thinking? I must have seen this as a thing to overcome that would bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. And that changes the ballgame- it takes us from a long, awful life struggling with this, to instead a trial to overcome. Something that is difficult, but meant to get me somewhere.

Now, let's say that's not the case- I didn't choose this trial in the pre-earth life. That means that someone else did- Heavenly Father- with the intention of helping me rise higher to be like Him. And that changes the ballgame too; we aren't meant to suffer through this. It is to help us rise and overcome.

I recently read the passage in Ether 12:27, but saw it in a new light.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;  and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Several things jump out here to me. One major thing is that the Lord just wants us to be humble and follow Him. And gloriously, thankfully, His grace is sufficient for all who follow Him. This takes it from a question of why did this have to happen to me, and turns it around. Instead, I now ask what do I need to learn from this, and how do I best learn and overcome this?

The attractions will never go away. I'm guessing too that Satan will tempt me with pornography the rest of my life (he's mean that way). But I can overcome the lust. I can be sufficiently strong through the grace and mercy of our Savior. And that gives me comfort for the road ahead.

$20 bill

In General Conference awhile back, President Uchdorf told a story of a woman who compared herself to a $20 bill. He said,

"One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, 'I Have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill- crumpled, torn, dirty, abused and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like much, and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the full 20 dollars."

What a beautiful reminder! Just because I'm attracted to guys does not diminish my value. I have sinned in many ways and done wrong, but I'm still worth the full $20 because of the Atonement and Grace of Jesus Christ. Satan tries to trick us into believing that we aren't worth it any more- when we slip up, have an impure thought, or any number of things, he lies and tells us that we aren't worth it any more. There's no more hope. No way back. And that's a lie not worth listening to, because we are worth it in our Father in Heaven's eyes.

Weird spot to be in

Photo by stevendepolo

We are spending a few days with some family, and may I just say- this is a little weird! We have made the choice to not tell them yet about my SGA- we just don't feel it's the right time yet. Honestly I don't know if that time will ever come, and that's okay. BUT, several times so far my wife and I have nearly slipped and said something. We're used to very open communication between us in the safety of our home, so it's a little hard at times to put those filters back on.

As we were all talking, 'NSYNC and other boy bands from the 90s came up, and my wife nearly made a joke about which one I had a crush on as a teenager (she had a crush on JC.. for me it just depended on the picture, since they changed their styles a lot) Wow, can you imagine how awkward that would have been if she had let that one slip?


We don't feel it's right to tell extended family right now. While there are some that we feel would be supportive, let's just say that others wouldn't accept it very well. I'm sure they'd love my wife and the grandkids unconditionally, but we're pretty sure I'd be treated as a ticking time bomb.

So in the meantime, it's really hard sometimes to keep my mouth shut. I guess that's normal, but especially hard to do right now. :)

A word from my wife

Surprise- my wife took to writing this post! Enjoy.


From the wife of a gay, married Mormon:

Some of you might be wondering "what's it like to be married to someone who is attracted to guys?"  The short answer: an emotional roller coaster!  The long answer takes a little more time; I can't do the subject justice in one post, but I will give it a shot.

Being married has been the greatest blessing of my life.  My husband I get along so well most of the time.   We even joke a little now that maybe we are so compatible because we have the same taste in men. ;).  But our road has had some difficulties, more so since finding out about my husband's secret struggle last year.

When he told me last May, we felt it best not to tell anyone.  That we could work it out alone, together.  Within a few months, we realized he should be seeing our bishop for extra help and support.  But after he started seeing the bishop, my loneliness intensified.  I felt I was completely alone with no one to talk to.  Sometimes people would say things to me like, "if you think your life is hard, look at poor so and so" and I would verbally agree but in my mind I was screaming "if you only knew...."  It has been difficult.  Finding my place in this non-traditional marriage had been a struggle and I have made some serious fumbles along the way.  This blog has been a great outlet for my husband.  But while it's important for those who struggle with this complex issue to reach out and support each other...Wives need support too.  With this secret life comes incredible loneliness.  And fear.  Fear that one day everything is going to fall apart and you have no control over anything.  Fear that everything you have ever known was a lie, a cover story, or an attempted "cure" for SGA. Fear that no matter what you do, you  will never be enough--because no matter how fit/trim you are, or how perfect your hair and makeup are...you're still not a man.  Because of all this, there is incredible insecurity.  

In spite of all these emotions, I have gained a lot of strength in this last year.   I was given a couple of experiences on the day my husband told me his "secrets" that let me know  The Lord was aware of me.  It was always in little things like getting a prompting to listen to a certain conference talk on my morning run instead of music.  And through another sweet experience prior to our talk I felt the love of God, comforting me before I even knew I needed it.  And that was very strengthening.

As we have tried to grapple with our new reality, we have started seeing our bishop together and going to marriage counseling- both scary but wonderful blessings.  We were counseled to make couple scripture study a top priority,  and we have followed that faithfully even while on vacation.  We have reached a new level of communication and openness that has been amazing.  We have talked about hard things and grown closer together.

The most important thing for me to remember is how incredible my husband is.  He has these attractions and inclinations but still he chose me.  He chose to put off the natural man and stay close to The Lord and the gospel.  And that is amazing to me.  In a strange way, since finding out about everything, my love and admiration for my husband have grown.  He is so strong and faithful even though the road is rocky sometimes.

I don't think the emotional roller coaster is over yet, but we are definitely making progress.

My greatest fear

Well, I apologize for checking out there. I had to write a paper for class, several clients had some tight deadlines, and we left on vacation. So, as much as I wanted to write, I literally haven't had time to write.

My wife and I went to a counselor last week with our Bishop's recommendations, and we had an amazing visit. I can't give a play-by-play of what was said because I don't remember everything, but we discussed some things that deal with my greatest fear.

I'm terrified of a relapse into pornography.

Seriously, I'm terrified of it. They "why" of it is fairly obvious- I want to stay away from the sin. I don't want that lust filling me. I don't want to hurt my wife again. I don't want to jeopardize in any way my eternal family. I want to break out of the cycle. I want to stay clean and pure.

Our counselor talked about addiction triggers. While it's applicable really to anyone struggling with an addiction or bad habit, it really applies here. He said there are 4 kinds of triggers:

1. External
2. Internal
3. Cravings/withdrawal
4. Sexual tension

The external is anything having to do with our 5 senses. Because our brain is made to make connections in order to find understanding, there are different things that can fire off connections that stir the addiction. Like the other day a friend was tagged in a picture on facebook. That fired off who knows what in my brain, and I very nearly got sucked into pornography again.

Internal deals with imbalance within ourselves. AA uses the acronym HALT, and others use BLAST. These letters refer to hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored or stressed. Basically, when our body experiences discomfort in these things and others, it seeks to alleviate that discomfort. I'm hungry, I want to eat. I'm tired, so well, let's just turn on the computer and not be so alone. Temporary relief only, but it alleviates the discomfort.

Cravings/withdrawal/sexual tension seem to kind of roll together in this field. It can become habitual- just like it's a habit as soon as I get out my phone to check Facebook for notifications. We build up habits that are hard to break.

I found out I had really set myself up last week when I was so stressed and working so much. I was overloaded. Stressed. VERY tired from staying up several nights. I didn't want to do my essay. And so I got on Facebook and an image triggered a bunch of stuff in my brain.

So I'm learning. I'm learning to monitor my emotions and stress levels. I'm learning to identify how I'm feeling and where that can lead me. Because my goal is to stay away. My goal is to win this battle.

I just told my parents I'm gay.

Yup, I did it. After hiding it all these years, I finally told my parents I'm gay. And they took it like a champ.

Um, well, there's no easy way to say this, so here goes. I've struggled with same-gender attraction all my life, and it's not going away any time soon. ...

We talked for about an hour- me, my wife, and my parents. Needless to say, they were surprised and didn't see that one coming (kudos to me, I did a good job hiding it!).

My parents were incredibly good about this, very loving and understanding. Honestly, I was pretty sure they would take it that way. I was surprised at my mom's reaction though. At one point, she said through her tears, I wish you had told us sooner so you wouldn't have had to suffer in silence all these years. Thanks Mom, I truly appreciated that. I don't know if I was ready to tell until now, but I think that's what goes through many parents' minds.

They had many questions and some misconceptions, and we had a great (and thought provoking) discussion in that hour. It was quite a bomb to drop on them right before they went on a date.. but today I'm even more grateful for loving parents.

My dad asked a great question- how do I define myself? Yes, being gay is a part of that now, but I gave him the basis of how I feel- I'm a son of God. That's the true core of who I am.

Funny moment: my wife at one point tried to sarcastically say that she is like a paid actress in a great cover up story. Instead, she ended up telling my parents she's paid for her services. Awkward! Not many people have said that to their in-laws. :)

Can I say what a relief it is to be able to talk openly with my parents. After we walked outside of the house, I was able to share some things with my dad for a few minutes more that I just needed to get out. It's a huge blessing; even though it was incredibly difficult to do, I'm glad I did.

It's okay to be gay

Maybe I'm alone here, but has anyone else out there tried with all their might to, as a friend put it, "pray the gay away"?

I tried for so long to pray it away. I prayed morning and night. I read my scriptures every day. I fasted. I went to the temple. I listened to nothing but church music. I even tried going a week without fighting with my siblings. And nothing worked. Deep down, as much as I didn't like it, I was attracted to guys. For years I wouldn't- couldn't- identify myself as gay, but I knew I was. So I hid that nasty little secret deep down and never let it out. My insides would wrench in terror of people finding out. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real. It was just a phase, I'd grow out of it. For sure, I could get married and then I wouldn't feel these attractions.

Well that certainly didn't happen.

Only a year ago (at the tender age of 28) did I first say the words out loud when I came out to my wife, and the words felt foreign on my tongue. I'm attracted to guys. Same-sex attracted and all that. It felt very surreal.

Anyway, I struggled for so long, trying to un-gay myself to no avail. And now I've come to realize, it's okay that I'm attracted to other guys. God Loveth His Children states this idea beautifully:

The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them.

Can I tell you what a relief it was to understand that? All those years of hiding this secret part of myself, just to find out that it wasn't really necessary. While I'm not going to go flaunting it about by any means, I didn't need to feel like something was wrong with me either.

Yes, the pornography and lust are problems many of us deal with, and they need to be addressed with a bishop. But the attraction I feel to guys is not something to be ashamed of and hidden. It has become instead something for me to not just endure in this life, but to overcome.

As I have come to grips with the idea that I'm gay, and have gone further and tried to understand myself better, I have been able to reconcile my whole self with the gospel. And there's a lot of peace that comes from that.

After all, that's not what defines me. What defines me is that I am a son of God. What defines me is that as His son, I have potential to be like Him. I am here as part of a plan- a plan designed for me to be stronger and more like Him. This just happens to be one of my trials meant to get me there.

Gay, same-sex attraction, and same-gender attraction

Let me distinguish something real quick in the words I use. I call myself "gay" simply for the convenience of the term. It is much more of a mouthful to say "I struggle with same-gender attraction."

The word "gay" carries baggage in it. It usually implies a lifestyle, denoted by its acts. But that's not what I'm implying when I call myself gay- it's simply a more convenient term I use. Same-sex attraction is better because it removes the lifestyle connotation.  In truth, I like the term "same-gender attraction" the best, because it takes the sexuality of the it and allows me to be a righteous Priesthood holder who just has a trial in this life.

So basically if I call myself gay, just realize I'm really using the meaning of "same-gender attracted" but it's just a heck of a lot easier to use a 3 letter word.

Effect of pornography

My heart is breaking right now.

A friend just posted on Facebook that she and her husband are getting a divorce. I only know a part of the story- and that it heavily involved his addiction to pornography. He had also been abused as a child, and that influenced their marriage. Her daughters now ask frequently why daddy doesn't come home. It tears her apart.

And that could have been me, if I had chosen differently a year ago.

It makes me sick, to be honest. Sick because there is so much abuse. Sick because there's so much addiction to pornography. Sick because I was tempted to make a choice like her husband and leave. I'm forever grateful I rejected that temptation.

I'm not perfect. I've struggled with an addiction to pornography since age 14- and most of that, I was alone in my struggle. That's not easy. And at times I've gone long periods of time- a few months, a year, a couple years. But that doesn't leave me not vulnerable. And if I go even a couple years without, I'm still tempted. It's still difficult. Honestly, my greatest fear now- after being so open with my wife and Bishop- is falling again to this awful addiction. Is it just a matter of time until I fall?

So my goal is to nail the coffin shut permanently, as a friend put it, and put this out of my life forever. My wife can't afford my mistakes. My children can't afford my mistakes. And my salvation can't afford it either. I have too much riding on my choices now.

I don't have the answers yet on exactly how we keep me "clean and clear and under control." I'm not going to list off a list of things to do to avoid temptation- I think most of us have those in our head already. But what has made a difference and I do know is that I have felt a change in my life lately as I have gained a better understanding of the Atonement of Christ and His saving grace. I do know that He has power to save and I can turn to Him. I'm learning to go to a whole new level with the Atonement. I can feel myself changing.

I have offered more than one desperate, humble prayer- you know those moments of, Oh crap, I know where these temptations are going to lead me, and I'm just not strong enough to resist right now. Help me, Father! And He answers. He loves us. Our Almighty, Powerful God- ruler of the Universe- knows me, loves me, and is helping me. And I can't help but find great hope, knowing that God wants me to succeed. He wants me to overcome this, for me, my wife, and for our family. And I know that God loves each of us in that special, individual way.

Yes, I still have impure thoughts and desires at times. That won't stop in this lifetime. But, I'm more optimistic and hopeful about the future. I know that with His help, I can overcome.

Not the usual Bishop's appointment

Last night was an interesting one; I pushed my wife, against her will, into meeting with our Bishop. She has been alone in this struggle, with no one to talk to. I have my blog, been meeting with Bishop, and been corresponding with a couple friends about this issue. Recently she talked to her cousin and told her what was going on, and she has been a great support to my wife- but she still needed something more. Thankfully she told me afterward that she was glad we went.

There is so much my wife deals with- and it seems at times that I get the focus. After all, I'm the one causing the problem! We're so focused on getting me out of my addictions and dealing with my attraction to guys that we have somewhat forgotten my wife's emotional needs. Not good.

I first spoke to my Bishop after I came out to my wife in May 2012. Two months later, we moved. I told my new Bishop about everything and we have been meeting regularly. But, I still see my old Bishop frequently due to a work situation. Yes, it was a little awkward for awhile! But he has been sensitive about it, and has never brought it up. Not once.

A couple days ago we had a meeting about 30 minutes away, and I was driving. And I actually brought up the subject with my old bishop. I couldn't believe I did. I mentioned to him my concerns about my wife, and he had some great advice. He said that really our wives need to feel important. They need to feel that we are willing to do what it takes to meet their needs. It's the, I'm going to step out of the box because I love you that much mentality. That day, my wife knew I was busy at work. And it still hurt her that I wasn't able to spend time with her. So that night I sacrificed my time (and income from that time.. gotta make that up now), and took her on a date to Red Robin, followed by a long walk on the beach. (haha, that sounds so cliche and gay.. Oh wait, I guess that's true!) But it let her know that she is that important. Several times that night I let go something that I wanted or even needed so that she would come first. I think it made a difference.

Last night our Bishop recommended we see a marriage counselor, and we're excited at the idea. I think it will be helpful to have professional input as we walk this difficult road. And heaven knows my wife needs someone around here to talk to. And that's exactly where this blessing came from.

Under the surface

I have a family member who is a physical therapist. He's a stud, really, and I think the world of him. He told us about a book called Spark. In it, it talks about a high school (I believe in the Midwest) where they have completely re-thought their physical education program. The book discusses studies done that shows the best time for learning is after physical exercise, while the blood is pumping so freely through the brain. (That's probably why I can't write legitimate sentences when I'm so tired!)

Kids at this school go to PE during zero hour, and then they have their hardest classes right after. Brilliant! But it doesn't end there. Their focus is to teach kids about their bodies, not just how to incorrectly do push-ups or play dodge ball.

The book talks about a certain girl in the class. She was a little heavier set than the rest, and struggled when it came time for laps. As much as they tried to push and encourage her, she just could not keep up. She huffed and puffed down the track, but always fell behind the rest of the class.

Then one day the researchers who were studying the class hooked up the students to heart monitors. They wanted to teach the students about heart rate and exercise, and how to keep it at a healthy level. They hooked the kids up, yelled go, and were shocked at the results. Who was working the hardest out there? Not the athletic kids who won the race, but that girl who continually fell behind the rest. Her heart was actually working much harder than the other students!

I was humbled when he told us that story, and immediately saw the connection. I'm standing there with our family, and only my wife has a clue I'm gay. Honestly, I don't know how they'd take it if they knew (but that's another story). The point is, they have no idea about this whole side of me that lies under the surface. I have friends who like to joke about gays- I think most of us do; it's something they honestly don't understand, and are probably a little afraid of. And little do they realize, as they're making the jokes in front of me, that I am gay. Granted, I've decided to not stand for it. They'll probably also change their tune about joking if I tell them, but that's beside the point. The point is there are people all around us that have things under the surface- and we have no idea.

It's humbling when you think about it. We pass people around us every day, and have no idea what their story is. We have no idea what they're going through. A friend's husband left her recently. Another friend and his wife are unable to have kids. Another friend was in a nearly fatal accident that left him with brain injuries. Another friend's son was in the hospital with an unknown disease that nearly killed him.

You would never know it from the outside. They put a smile up on their face- no matter how fake it may be- and do the best to carry on with their lives.

You would never know it was me if you passed me on the street.

I love "God Loveth His Children." It brought peace to me at a time I had very little. It says,

"Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love. No member of the Church should ever be intolerant. As you show love and kindness to others, you give them an opportunity to change their attitudes and follow Christ more fully."

Even though Christ was mocked and scorned, he always showed love. I want to do that. I know firsthand what it's like to have something under the surface that people don't know about, so I want to be considerate of that for others. I want to show support and build up, not mock and tear down.

So if you're feeling a little rejected, perhaps alone and unsure of yourself, remember you're not alone. Many have felt that way. But remember, each of us is a beautiful person within- even if you can't see it yourself.

And if you need to talk, drop an email my way. As someone who totally understands, I'll be glad to listen.

Good day,bad day

This morning I got up a 5 am. Ok, my alarm went off at 5 but I snoozed 15 minutes. I then dragged myself out of bed and did something I haven't done for a very long time- I exercised. Weird, I know.

I've never really gone to gyms and all that kind of thing- I went to a gym for the first time last week to play racquetball. I'm a product of the home workout- pushups, situps and the like. But now, thanks to the Wii Fit, I am a little more guided in my exercises. It's awesome, and I've started seeing results in the past. I wanted to do that again.

So naturally the Wii wouldn't work. And that's the unit we bought to replace the one the kids broke. Oh how frustrating. I kept telling myself it was no big deal, but I could feel my anger and frustration building and mounting. Whatever I did, that stupid, dumb machine wouldn't load my Wii Fit disk.

Under normal circumstances I would have snapped, but I kept telling myself that it's ok, and I tried to not get overly upset. I didn't want to start my day off being upset because my stupid Wii wasbroken. On a whim, I threw the disk in the broken unit, and it worked. And I exercised. And I scored high score on a bunch of exercises, even though I haven't done it in a year. I'm just that awesome.

I know, stupid story. But it meant a lot to me. Our lives go this way a lot- we have bad days, no doubt about it. President Faust said that we won't be happy 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, and that's okay.

Some days people are cruel in what they say. Some days we wake up after staying up late looking at pornography, and it just starts the day off in a foul, disheartened mood. Some days we want so hard to be good, but for some reason are having a hard time doing that.

Don't let it get you down. Don't forget, the Atonement covers bad days as well. His grace fills in all the gaps, and can lift us up.

I take hope in that. I feel more and more that the Atonement is a loving, kind act. And we can have hope in that. It all starts with wanting to be good. That leads us to hoping we can become good, which leads us to faith. And just the idea that can happen gives me hope that my bad days can lead to good ones.

A choice to make

About a year ago I told my wife about my same gender attraction. That whole experience is a post in of itself, but here's a little backstory as to what was happening at the time.

We had been happily married for 6 years. There were many times during our marriage up to that point that I had successfully rid myself of pornography, and unfortunately many that I was not strong enough. A year ago, I was in a particularly bad place, consumed by lust. And Satan began painting a picture in my head: me, free from everything I was dealing with. Giving in to the "natural man." Being happy that way.

I was a man of two sides, and it was tearing me apart.

I wanted so badly for this all to go away, to not have these attractions and feelings, and to just be done with it. But on the other hand, I began to feel desires to explore that side of me further. The more I fed the "natural man," the more it wanted, and I felt further trapped and depressed.

I finally snapped, and knew I had to choose one side or the other. No sitting on the fence- that wasn't possible anymore. I began to truly understand the phrase in the scriptures, "No man can serve two masters." So, I had to make my choice- the "gay lifestyle" in all its glory, or some sincere repenting and rededication to my wife and family.

Over and over, Satan painted that "happy" picture, with me finally giving in to all the lusts and desires I had felt over the last 15 years. But then I'd put on my reality hat, and see it from the other side- me actually leaving my wife and family, shattering their hearts along the way. Leaving the gospel, which I undoubtedly knew to be true, despite my crazy attractions. What a fantastic idea; I could just see my wife telling our kids, "Sorry guys, Daddy left us all and got himself a new boyfriend."

As much as I may have seemingly wanted that at times, I couldn't do it. Not in a million years.

So I put on my big boy pants and had two incredibly difficult conversations- the hardest in my life so far- the first with my wife, and the second with my Bishop. Conversations bearing my deepest, darkest secrets that I had never told a soul. That wasn't easy.

My Bishop was very kind and understanding. He didn't judge me, but sincerely wanted to help me. My wife struggled with the whole thing for a while, but after prayers, fasting, and peace through the Spirit, we began mending our relationship and moving forward.

Fast forward now to present day. I began this blog two weeks ago, in an effort to put my thoughts and feelings down, and maybe even (if I'm lucky) be of help to others who may be struggling. However, with the increased conversations on this subject, and new details along the way, it has been very hard for my sweet wife. I think in some ways it makes it all more real for her, which is a scary thing.

So our conversations have been incredibly open, as I've been honest with her in a way I never have before with anyone. Nothing held back- I've even surprised myself with what I've said. Hurrah, right? Well, sort of. It also has meant that this has been a very difficult week for her. She has felt a wide range of emotions, from fearing our family is just a "cover," to wondering what chances we have of making this last.

We went to church yesterday, which is no easy thing with young kids, and me playing the organ during sacrament meeting. It is difficult to get anything out of the meeting sometimes! But after church, we talked about one thing she had taken away from the meeting.

"And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!!"   (Doctrine and Covenants 18:16)

There was a quiet moment while she let that sink in, and I understood. How great will be her joy if she brings but one soul into the kingdom of our Father- and that soul was me! I can't tell you what emotion and warmth filled my soul, pricked my eyes with tears, and filled me with peace and love.

No, this is not an easy thing for either of us; but, we are working on coming unto Christ. It is no easy road and there are bumps along the way. We get tired, worn out, and even grumpy about it sometimes- but we have eternal rewards to look forward to, motivating us forward.

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me? (Jeremiah 32:27).

No. No there is not- which gives me strength and hope in my journeys ahead. And great, I'm sure, will be our joy.

Holy crap, my wife just outed me.

Good grief.
I had just decided this week that I don't want to come out yet to any friends or family.

Never mind, my wife just outed me.

She had my blog up on her phone earlier, reading a post we had been talking about. Then tonight my sister came over to borrow something. She and my wife started talking about a movie they wanted to watch, and started discussing their childhood crushes on the main characters. Unsure of which one my sister was talking about, my wife innocently enough opens up Safari on her phone to look it up- and lo and behold, there's my blog, Gay Married Mormon screaming across the page. My wife and I exchanged a quick, nervous glance- did she see that? They quickly found the page they wanted, and then for some reason hit back so it flashed again on the screen.

At that point I had to go in the other room to refrain from laughing in front of them.

My sister left pretty quick after that.. We talked it over real quick, and I called my sister's cell phone and asked her to come back. I was glad we did, because she had indeed seen the screen. I really wanted to be sure she found out through me, not some other means. We sat her down and told her what's up, and she took it like a champ. Very open and understanding, she told me that I'm no different now than before she knew.

I can't tell you how much her reaction meant to me; this is the type of reaction I hope for from anyone who I tell. I know that not everyone will react the same way, but I appreciated it nonetheless. I know that I sure make much more of an effort to not judge others- you never know what someone else is dealing with.

So now my circle of "knowers" has increased to 5, thanks to my wife. I certainly didn't see that one coming tonight.

Caught up in the moment

Today we experienced something new: door to door salesmen.

Enough said, I learned my lesson. :)

My wife let the Kirby guy in this morning when he asked if he could clean our carpet in the living room. Perfect, we thought- we've been meaning to shampoo that area anyway! What we didn't anticipate was him staying for the next 4 hours as he showed every attachment to the vacuum and how wonderful it was. I was surprised to see so much dirt pulled out of the carpets, especially since we only built our home 10 months ago. I could tell my wife really wanted it, which makes it hard for me to say no.

And then we saw the price of $3,000. For a vacuum. Good grief.

And for some reason, we filled out the credit application. We got our payments set up to withdraw on the 5th of every month. We almost had it.

Then suddenly my wife started doubting it. Then I started doubting it.  And we backed out at the very last second. We were actually at the point that it would have been so much easier then to just do it, but in the end we said no. Needless to say, we didn't have a happy salesman on our hands, and it was just plain awkward for the next 10 minutes while he packed everything up and left. I told my wife after that we have a new rule- no more carpet demonstrations. Ever.

It was on my mind a lot this afternoon as I thought about it- we were so close to buying that $3,000 vacuum. My business is still growing, so there are times I worry about finances- and I put that aside so my wife could have a $3,000 vacuum. We were caught up in the situation, and had a very hard time pulling out of it.

Does that ever happen to you? It does me all the time. I'm going on with life, and suddenly find myself in a situation. And it's hard to get out of it.

After my mission, I went for a solid 6 months without looking at any pornography. 3 years without- definitely a record I was proud of! And then, something set me off one day while I was at school at BYU-Idaho. I got caught up in a situation, clicked when I shouldn't have, and I started back in on the cycle that continued again for several years. So much for my 3 years abstaining.

I have tried so many ways to keep myself away from the filthy stuff. Pictures of Christ or my family all around my computer. Church music. Computer in open areas of the home. Content filters. The list goes on and on, and none of them have worked for me as a hard and fast rule.

I have found a lot of strength from the Church's publication "God Loveth His Children." If you haven't read it, or haven't read it lately, seriously take a minute and check it out. There is a section in there that for me has been very helpful.

"You will be most successful in controlling your life as you constantly nourish your spirit. Avoiding food for prolonged periods, followed by excessively large meals, will not maintain physical health. Likewise, feeding your spirit sporadically, even in large proportions, will not yield the same result as constantly, daily nourishing your spirit."

Makes sense, doesn't it?

So here are a few of the top things that have really helped me, be it with pornography, hopelessness, feeling alone, or anything else that relates to my same gender attraction.

• Really studying the scriptures. It's very different from just reading. Because I work 60+ hours per week, plus my masters degree and family time on top of that, it's difficult to "find time" for that kind of study. But, I notice a difference in my life when I do it, and I notice a difference when I don't.
• Open, honest, and frequent conversations with my Bishop and my wife. I have opened up a whole new level of open honesty lately, and have felt a positive impact and strength from it.
• Guys, prayer really works. Today I was mowing the lawn, and out of the blue I felt a temptation to hop on Grindr- just to "see" who is in the area. The idea scared me- because I wanted to so badly, so suddenly, but also because I didn't want it! I know that's a dangerous place for me to go, and so I said a prayer. I was honest. I told Heavenly Father what I was being tempted to do. I told him I didn't want to, but I wanted to at the same time, and asked for help to be strong enough to make the right choice. I ended my prayer, was suddenly distracted by something, and that was that. This isn't the first time I've had a prayer answered in this way, and I'm grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who hears and listens.

The beautiful part of this- and I'm a testament of it- is that we can mess up repeatedly, and find forgiveness. Not that any of us want to keep messing up, but if we do screw up now and then, all hope isn't lost. That's what our loving Savior wants us to understand- we just have to keep trying and come to Him.